Ahead of the festival of exchanging fruit cakes (also known as Christmas), India’s bearded giver of surprise gifts reminds everyone about distributing national presents such as demonetisation, lockdowns and unemployment over the years. For 2023, our Sanatan Santa has a special gift in store, a gift called “dharmic democracy”. Bharat’s indigenous version of electoral autocracy, this gift ensures that billions of stockings are filled with promises, delusions and warnings as our Santa, jhola in hand, dashes through norms in a one-party Parliament, laughing all the way.
Meanwhile, Sanatan Santa’s followers (more obedient than reindeers) have reportedly passed a set of transformative telecommunication bills, which will “provide a lifetime’s worth of free calling and data services to every Indian as long as they adhere to national interest by not possessing any opinions”. More than 100 Opposition MPs have decided to protest against this measure on social media by collectively organising an ‘X-mass’.
Elsewhere, surveys across India crown saffron as the colour of the year and smog as the filter of the year for the ninth year running.
Wondering what else happened as you picked green as your favourite colour in spite of chasing red flags all year round? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
December 18
“Azadi for Gaza, azadi for gays,” chanted those present in Kolkata’s Pride Walk TT archives
- The Kolkata Rainbow Pride Walk, the oldest march in the country for showcasing one’s wardrobe, assumes a profound note this year, as hundreds of marginalised Kolkatans finally feel comfortable and secure enough to publicly display their love for Palestine.
- The most sacred Argentine in the world (after Lionel Messi) issues a landmark ruling in which he says: “There’s nothing wrong with blessing gay couples, provided they feel gay but don’t act gay.”
December 19
“My Instagram DMs are full of Bollywood actresses saying, ‘I love you, Pat’,” shares Mitchell Starc TT archives
- The Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR), the only IPL team to have its intelligence wallet intact after the recent auction, have explained why they spent a little more than West Bengal’s sports budget to purchase Mitchell Starc: “We knew we wanted Starc given his burgeoning Instagram following, but were convinced to do whatever it takes to get him once he finished top of the cuteness chart prepared by our celebrity fans.”
- Buckingham Palace releases a statement communicating that “Prince William will not be making any public appearances over the festive period, since the last five episodes of The Crown have led to a relapse of his PTSD regarding the irredeemable loss of his hair”.
December 20
“Will Tesla’s self-driven cars know what to do if the driver says Jai Shree Ram?” asks Nitin Gadkari TT archives
- Nitin Gadkari, the man who builds roads so fast that even the Prime Minister cannot inaugurate them all, opines on why autonomous cars have no place in India: “You can’t train them to honk every five seconds and wait patiently for cows to cross.”
- During its latest meeting in Delhi to discuss the perfect profile shot for each of its members, the INDIA alliance also finds time to name Mallikarjun Kharge as its PM candidate. Reflecting on his candidature, Kharge says: “I’m honoured that the stalwarts who make up INDIA think that I’m the right person to explain why we lost at press conferences next year.”
December 21
“I pledge to provoke riots in at least three countries if I return to the White House,” declares Donald Trump in response to the verdict in Colorado TT archives
- A Colorado court declares that Donald Trump is ineligible to run for US President because “he is guilty of catalysing an insurrection on US soil instead of doing so abroad”.
- After being repeatedly pestered about the condition of Dawood Ibrahim by diplomats in India and the US, a senior official from the Pakistani government (read military) has confirmed to India that “Ibrahim is in the pink of his health even though he can’t be tracked” while simultaneously sharing the geo-location of Ibrahim’s grave with their US counterpart.
December 22
“My biggest challenge this year was selecting seats for Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan,” admits Nita Ambani TT archives
- Nita Ambani feels “privileged and honoured” after successfully hosting this year’s edition of the Karan Johar Talent Hunt Contest, sometimes referred to as the Dhirubhai Ambani International School (DAIS) Annual Day programme.
- Despite a positive opening, Shah Rukh Khan-starrer Dunki is unlikely to match the record-breaking collections of Pathaan and Jawan, as industry experts feel it “asks too much of viewers to cheer endlessly for SRK while also using their brains”.