Everybody’s closest confidante, popularly called Google, reveals the most frequent online searches made by Indians in 2023. The top five, in no particular order, are — “Jay Shah’s script for the World Cup final”, “is Giorgia Meloni married?”, “how to work like Orry?”, “polite ways to ask for a raise” and “is selling Adani stocks anti-national?”. For offline searches, speculation suggests that the charts were topped by Indians in Manipur searching for a voice.
Meanwhile, Forbes’s list of the world’s most powerful persons incapable of giving birth (formerly referred to as men) sees Travis Kelce finish as runner-up for “being set to catalyse the biggest album in modern music”. The top position, however, goes to Elon Musk’s cannabis supplier (rumoured to go by the name of Peter Pot) for “being able to influence the future of billions of dollars based on the exact composition of select compounds”.
Elsewhere, Infosys makes it mandatory for all employees to stare at their computers for at least 70 hours per week, with those clocking 200 weekly hours receiving the privilege of meeting Narayana Murthy.
Wondering what else happened as you continued to overwork your eyes on Instagram? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
December 11
The court has advised the central government to replace falsehoods with statehood in J&K at its earliest convenience TT archives
- The busiest court in the land has upheld the ghar wapsi of Jammu and Kashmir (also known as the abrogation of Article 370) on the grounds that no complexities of constitutionalism or federalism can supersede the fundamental right of judges to a lucrative life post-retirement.
- Protests are no longer allowed inside the campus of Jawaharlal Nefarious University (JNU), with offenders liable to be sentenced to three to five years of compulsory classes.
December 12
“The future of Ukraine’s sovereignty and my comedy career rests in the hands of the US,” admits Volodymyr Zelensky TT archives
- On his 101st visit to the US since February last year, Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky persuades Republicans to approve additional funding for Ukraine after winning them over with 10 spontaneous jokes on Joe Biden.
- A total of 196 countries unite to pass a historic resolution on the last day of COP OUT 28 in Dubai, which states: “For the welfare of our planet, we pledge to transition away from facts and focus on the sacrosanct evidence of vibes.” The statement has already been endorsed by The Union of Rowak Experts in Kolkata, which has been convinced by the recent weather in the city to believe that “global warming is a bigger lie than Marxism”.
December 13
Zara is planning to bring together all its international ambassadors to chip in with their suggestions for the special genocide collection TT archives
- After facing accusations of hurting the sentiments in Gaza with its newest ad, fast fashion brand Zara, notorious for burning wallets as fast as Israel burns homes, agrees to compensate the victims. The compensation will take place in the form of a special line of designer jackets (dubbed the Genocide collection), which the Spanish company will donate to those who have lost at least one body part in the ongoing violence in Gaza.
- Inspired by Variety’s Actors on Actors programme, seven different Indian channels have submitted proposals to host the inaugural episode of an Indian version involving the Prime Minister and the home minister.
December 14
“I’m a part-time politician because no other profession would allow me to be a full-time commentator,” says Gautam Gambhir TT archives
- Asked to name the opposition player he hates the most, Gautam Gambhir, the latest guest on Soft Propaganda with Smita Prakash, gives an instant answer: “Arvind Kejriwal.”
- Mohan Yadav, who has three separate PhDs in political conformism from Ujjain’s Vikram University, has been named as the new chief puppet of Madhya Pradesh. Yadav’s selection, ahead of stalwarts in the BJP, was made after results from multiple medical tests showed that Yadav is congenitally incapable of refusing orders.
December 15
“My marriage didn’t work out because Abhishek got between me and the Bachchan family,” claims Aishwarya Rai TT archives
- Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan announce their divorce (through Amitabh Bachchan’s 5,000th tweet) upon receiving confirmation that Salman Khan is committed to being a lifelong bachelor.
- With The Archies failing to excite viewers through kitsch alone, Netflix decides to supplement the original film with a special “nepotism cut”, featuring exclusive footage from the film’s star-studded premiere.