Ahead of Cadbury’s biggest sales day in India, also observed as Diwali, the Centre distributes millions of diyas, which are to be lit at 8pm sharp to mark the glorious return of the Prime Minister to primetime television. In his Diwali message, he is expected to announce his gift to Ayodhya to save the country the cost of holding the 2024 elections. He is also supposed to focus on how his government has taken just nine years to successfully liberate Bharat from the decades of darkness brought about by colonialism’s biggest curse, otherwise known as democracy.
Meanwhile, the Association of All-India Singles (AAIS) has some special advice for all those celebrating Diwali: “If you’re investing a lot into something with the certainty that you’ve found a rare gem to light up your Diwali, don’t. You’ll find them at your neighbour’s. If conflicted between explosions of ecstasy in the sky or head-spinning excitement on the floor, choose neither. And remember — those that promise to bring you all the colours of life also burn out the fastest. As for crackers, don’t burst any. If you want the vibes, just go to Delhi.”
Elsewhere, with the latest example of the world’s oldest fireworks festival completing one month in Gaza, Joe Biden is fast running out of excuses for seenzoning Volodymyr Zelensky.
Wondering what else happened as all your friends’ Diwali excuses left you with a poker face without playing poker? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
November 6
“Since India is changing the pitch, Pakistan should also look at making changes, starting with their players,” believes Wasim Akram TT archives
- Sports broadcasters in Pakistan have finally unearthed the secret behind India’s relentless run as cricket’s nastiest hosts: “The Indian team isn’t our government that can fool us forever. We know what the Indians are doing. During the innings break, when the lights show is on and everyone’s distracted, they’re changing the pitch.”
- WeWork files for bankruptcy after conducting one of the largest social experiments of the 21st century, which proved that irrespective of sector or domain, pretentious offices give rise to pretentious employees.
November 7
“My first proposal to Parliament is that it must serve organic food to all its members,” says King Charles III TT archives
- In his first speech to the UK parliament, King Charles III, previously the world’s longest-serving intern, says: “The best way we can carry forward our great legacy of parliamentary hypocrisy is by becoming tampons… excuse me… bastions of inclusive imperialism. As a modern, progressive Britain, we must ensure that the oppressors we create are just as diverse as the oppressed.”
- Thousands of students across the US and the UK, many of whom are pursuing courses in intersectional hashtagism, come up with a new protest mantra: “Climate justice = Racial justice = Palestinian justice.”
November 8
“I don’t deserve to go to jail. I’ve only ever harmed people in ‘Call of Duty’,” says Sam Bankman-Fried TT archives
- A jury in New York City finds Sam Bankman-Fried guilty of every single crime that he was accused of committing while playing video games, with the former “crypto king” set to face 250 years in prison. As his most profound example of effective altruism yet, SBF has reached out to the most impoverished in the US with an offer to pay them millions to represent him in prison.
- In light of increasing violence in Myanmar, where the only sign of peace is a forgotten Nobel prize, the UN has reached out to the country’s military junta with a message: “We regret to inform you that unless you can hike your influencer budget, there’s nothing we can do about the situation in Myanmar right now. Our team of volunteers is already overstretched and doesn’t have the bandwidth to make any more PPTs.”
November 9
“When talking about women, Nitish Kumar must learn from our party leaders,” reads an official BJP statement TT archives
- The BJP leads calls for Nitish Kumar to be stripped of his fundamental right to be Bihar chief minister after Kumar “insulted the Hindi language by using it to talk about sex education”.
- Following the release of deepfake videos featuring several Indian celebrities, the ministry of electronics and information technology reiterates that “deepfaking in India is only allowed for ideologies, not individuals”.
November 10
“I blame Shubman Gill for me not being the most famous Sara in India,” quips Sara Ali Khan TT archives
- On this week’s episode of Gossip without Gluten, Sara Ali Khan admits: “I’ve been a victim of nepotism. It has, once and for all, ended my career prospects as an Instagram poet.”
- Tiger 3 is set to become the first film in history where every movement of its protagonist, a tiger playing Salman Khan, is captured in slow motion.