As the world enjoys Indian traffic for the first time since G20, Indian men without a therapist could not be more excited at the return of the ICC Men’s Cricket World Cup, the most addictive reminder of the British Empire after tea. Ahead of the host nation’s opening game against Australia, the World Cup’s unofficial mascot, who also moonlights as the BCCI secretary, declares that “India should win every match by an innings or else my dad will show them what the pressures of playing at home really mean”.
Meanwhile, the government has handed over its topmost team of statisticians to the ICC to ensure that the Duckworth-Lewis-Stern method (the easiest way to relive cricketers’ maths traumas) deployed during the World Cup remains as obscure as Indian political funding. Additionally, in case of a tie at the end of a World Cup match, no super over will be played. Instead, the winner will be decided by pitting the captains of the two teams against each other to see who can rattle off the names of all the tournament sponsors faster (Rohit Sharma’s experience makes him the favourite).
Elsewhere, in a game that actually matters, the Delhi police questions everyone who has mentioned “NewsClick” on their LinkedIn profiles as part of an investigation into the media organisation’s supposed links with an authoritarian regime that is not the Indian government.
Wondering what else happened while you shuddered at the prospect of being questioned for sharing political memes on your family’s WhatsApp group? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
October 2
Microsoft users complain that its AI version of Gandhi thinks that Satyagraha was Prakash Jha’s idea TT archives
- To celebrate Gandhi Jayanti, Microsoft’s AI offers four points of advice it feels the “Daddy of the Nation” would have given India had he been alive today: “Don’t believe everything I’ve said on Instagram”; “In case the fascists come for you, be armed with a smile”; “To understand intimacy, lie naked in bed with your partner without touching them”; and “If you’re struggling to decide between a Gujarati and a dynast as the rightful leader of the country, follow my lead and opt for the one who claims to have studied at Cambridge”.
- On his first tour of India, South African comedian Trevor Noah reveals the most important lesson he has learnt from his visit: “Apartheid in South Africa is limited to race.”
October 3
On average, media publications across India write five more stories on Mahendra Singh Dhoni’s hairdo than India’s Asian Games achievements Instagram
- India’s performance at the Asian Games in Hangzhou, which involves claiming its best-ever medal tally in the competition, briefly becomes the hottest topic on Indian social media until Mahendra Singh Dhoni drops his latest hairstyle.
- With Canadian diplomats in India leaving for Canada faster than Indian students, S. Jaishankar, minister of external affairs, says: “Diplomacy isn’t about running away. Rather, diplomacy is about looking into the eye of the storm and believing the storm doesn’t exist.”
October 4
Elon Musk is shortlisted for the Nobel Prize for chemistry, too, but the jury is yet to decide which of his wives should share the award with him TT archives
- This year’s Nobel Prize in medicine has been won by Elon Musk for “his pioneering attempts in combating the woke mind virus through the acquisition of X”. Remarkably, Musk is also the recipient of the Nobel prize in physics for “successfully proving that the strongest force in the universe, which is immune to logic, is that of the billionaire male ego”.
- The trial of Sam Bankman-Fried, the controversial founder-CEO of FTX, has been delayed indefinitely after the US Congress agrees to “ponder over his special proposal”. As per SBF’s request, the man who has only ever known one bank (the one in his name) has asked to go scot-free on the condition that he donates a couple of billion dollars each to Joe Biden and Donald Trump to convince them not to run for the 2024 presidential elections.
October 5
NFL broadcasters will soon direct their cameras at Taylor Swift during NFL matches, with occasional digressions to lesser matters on the field TT archives
- With Taylor Swift dating Travis Kelce, a footballer (the American kind who uses his hands more), the NFL has instructed Kelce’s team, the Kansas City Chiefs, to make him the league’s first freelancer. This has been done with the understanding that Kelce should play for as many NFL teams as possible (thus increasing the chances of Swift attending more games) before Swift writes her song about him.
- During the autumn exhibition of how money does not guarantee taste, also known as Paris Fashion Week, the Kardashians express their collective disappointment at Chanel for “showcasing outfits that can be bought for purposes other than a ramp walk”.
October 6
“This is why I don’t like telling true stories,” laments Vivek Agnihotri with ‘The Vaccine War’ set to be a bigger flop than Covaxin TT archives
- In order to turn around a lacklustre opening to The Vaccine War in cinemas, director Vivek Agnihotri promises free booster doses for all who come to watch his film.
- A biopic will soon be made on former British Prime Minister, Liz Truss, based on her riveting biography, Beaten by a Lettuce. With the shooting expected to last longer than Truss’s government, three women are in contention to play the lead — Meryl Streep, Olivia Colman and Helena Bonham Carter. The role will eventually be handed to the actress with the least knowledge of economics.