Bharat, that is Vishwaguru (as per Article 1 of the unwritten Constitution of Hindutva), has once again proved how the spirit of one man can animate an entire nation. After months of tireless work, the country’s leading icon has brought together a galaxy of big names on the same platform to showcase the richness of our culture at an age when most men are happy to contemplate retirement. By the sheer magic of his words, the charisma of his being and the warmth of his hugs, this genius has shown that the three most important letters for true desh bhakts are still SRK.
Meanwhile, with even better promotion than Jawan, the G20 summit in Delhi (the “G” stands for “Gatekeepers”) is a resounding success after all 20 delegations come to the unanimous resolution that they love millet. Whereas Joe Biden promises the safe passage of all yoga performers at the event to the US, Rishi Sunak confirms Oxbridge scholarships for promising young volunteers without an Indian accent. Emmanuel Macron, for his part, expresses interest to send over the best French urban planners to study how hundreds of homeless Indians have been effortlessly accommodated under a life-size cutout of the Prime Minister.
Elsewhere, the Centre reveals the defining merit behind having “One Nation, One Election” — saving hundreds of crores of rupees on high-tech troll armies, who would no longer be required every year.
Wondering what else happened while you realised that fate has mandated One Life, One Relationship (which has already expired) for you? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
September 4
The Congress believes that at 81, Mallikarjun Kharge is the ideal PM option, since Rahul Gandhi should come of age by the time Kharge is unfit to govern TT archives
- INDIA is all set to announce Mallikarjun Kharge as its prime ministerial candidate for 2024, as other key members of the alliance hate him the least. As for Rahul Gandhi, he has agreed to withdraw from the PM race on the condition that Lalu Prasad Yadav cooks mutton for him every week.
- On turning 25, Google reveals the most frequent Google searches by Indians. The top six (excluding incognito mode), in no particular order, are — “last date to file ITR”, their own name, “internships that pay”, “10 cheapest places for a first date”, “OYO near me”, and “how to delete search history”.
September 5
“Good teachers are always intoxicating,” says one of the south Kolkata youngsters TT archives
- On Teachers’ Day, dozens of young men in south Kolkata dedicate WhatsApp statuses to their first crush and a Scottish whiskey company for teaching them about headaches, heartbreaks and hangovers.
- Spotify launches a new premium subscription for users to access the entire lyrics of songs, which creates a spike in EDM streaming.
September 6
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are believed to have approved their meeting after their body doubles got along last month Wikimedia Commons
- Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un, the world’s most seasoned “dictators” (at least until the first syllable), are set to meet soon to draw up a 10-point strategy on how to best please Xi Jinping.
- Girls and women are no longer allowed to wear the abaya in France, since it prevents them from showing the minimal amount of skin required to be secular in the country.
September 7
Cristiano Ronaldo refuses to answer how many times he sees himself in the mirror every day TT archives
- Faced with a lie detector, Cristiano Ronaldo admits that his biggest dream is to see “my eldest son score more goals than all three of [Lionel] Messi’s sons combined”. The lie detector agrees but calls out the Portuguese for lying when he jokes that “the World Cup trophy is the only thing I wanted to touch that didn’t want me”.
- Jorge Vidal has been sacked as the coach of the Spanish women’s football team for “his role in drawing unnecessary and undesirable attention to sexism in Spanish football by helping Spain win the World Cup”.
September 8
As part of their relationship, Kylie Jenner is called Timothee and Timothee Chalamet is called Kylie TT archives
- In a bid to recruit a “real actor” for the upcoming season of The Kardashians, Kylie Jenner starts dating Timothee Chalamet, the man most American teenagers deem more crushworthy than weed.
- Donald Trump, who has never met a rich Indian he did not like, receives the following tips on leadership from Mahendra Singh Dhoni: “Pack the system with people who owe you, be cryptic on social media and if accused of corruption, always let your fans prove your innocence.”