At the latest summit in Johannesburg of the BRICS, which is basically the G7 with less wine, Vladimir Putin (putting the R for “recklessness” in the organisation) fails to show up. Putin’s absence, down to figuring out the right route to hell for his “chef”, prevents host South Africa from arresting him and revisiting its historical trauma of punishing a white man for his crimes. China’s Xi Jinping, whose crime is to believe in the freedom of manifestos over masses, avoids meeting his Indian counterpart after realising that the latter has a better suite. Most importantly, as part of its concluding resolution, the BRICS decides to induct one of Kuwait, Kenya or Kazakhstan into its fold to placate the Nazis (grammar ones) within.
Meanwhile, the successful landing of Chandrayaan 3 on the moon (just a few decades after Bollywood’s romantic heroes) leaves Indians jubilant, especially those in Bengaluru, who can empathise most with navigating craters. One Indian, however, is not very happy. That being Akshay Kumar, who feels that the “smooth sailing” of Chandrayaan 3 means that his upcoming film on the same will have to invent most of the drama.
Elsewhere, a new species of lotus has been named after the Prime Minister after scientists discover that it thrives best on foreign soil.
Wondering what else happened while your friends named you cactus for withstanding prolonged periods of dryness? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
August 21
Luis Rubiales has excused himself from attending post-match presentations of men’s football matches in the future TT archives
- Luis Rubiales, the chief of the Spanish FA, who got closer to the victorious Spanish women than their English opponents during the FIFA Women’s World Cup final in Sydney, has apologised for kissing forward Jennifer Hermoso during the post-match felicitation: “I understand that what I did was sudden and discriminatory. I apologise for not doing the same with every other Spanish player.”
- Manchester United have mutually agreed to part ways with Mason Greenwood — accused of, but not convicted for, sexually abusing a woman — upon realising that it is in the interests of the club’s bottomline to project a moral compass.
August 22
Rumours are rife in parts of North Korea that sincerely gazing at Kim Jong Un’s portrait can transfer the leader’s excess calories to the underfed gazer TT archives
- After a typhoon wreaks havoc in parts of North Korea, the government distributes rice, porridge and portraits of Kim Jong Un to aid the affected.
- A fresh biography on Joseph Stalin in Russia delves into his personal relationships to discover that every woman he had as partner had complained to their friends, relatives or diaries about the former Soviet leader having too many red flags.
August 23
David Solomon is expected to be paid an amount to leave the company that is several times greater than what the rest of his foremost team was paid to join Wikimedia Commons
- The under-pressure CEO of Goldman Sags is likely to be removed after multiple high-profile investors did not like his DJing skills at the latest corporate junket.
- CCTV cameras are set to be installed in Kolkata’s most outspoken campus so that authority figures can take solace in their vicarious rebellion of watching students not follow orders.
August 24
‘I think the winner of the elections will be the party that comes out on top,’ says the politically neutral Sachin Tendulkar about the 2024 polls TT archives
- The Election Commission’s decision to appoint Sachin Tendulkar as a “national icon” to encourage voter participation backfires after Tendulkar says: “You must observe your right and duty to vote just as I observed my right and duty to serve in the Rajya Sabha.”
- Rajinikanth proves that his spine is as flexible as depicted in his action films by touching the feet of the one man in Uttar Pradesh who can claim to have slain more bad guys than the Thalaiva.
August 25
‘The first time I paid attention to my eyes was after my father-in-law spent 10 minutes dancing to celebrate their beauty,’ admits Aishwarya Rai TT archives
- With a BJP leader suggesting that eating fish can make one’s eyes like those of Aishwarya Rai (to the pleasant surprise of Bengalis and Keralites), the Bollywood star responds: “I haven’t eaten any fish in my life, unless you want to consider French caviar.”
- Ranbir Kapoor, who has a track record of outdoing the toxic men he plays on screen, asks Alia Bhatt to “stop having an opinion, since I like the natural glow of your ignorance”.