The highest court has urged the Indian government to pay attention to Manipur so that the court does not have to exercise its right to rhetoric. The government, which is struggling to find enough serene pictures of Mizoram to pass off as Manipur on social media, has, in turn, challenged the Opposition to protest throughout the monsoon session of Parliament so that none of the ministers is audible when speaking on Manipur.
Meanwhile, in the wake of communal unrest in Gurugram, the Prime Minister has told his party that he will visit the city as soon as the latest posh office complex in the area is ready to be inaugurated.
Elsewhere, in far more important news for the Indian middle class, Apple reveals that on purchasing the upcoming iPhone 15, all previous iPhones owned by a user will cease to function. This is to prevent buyers from experiencing a particular form of guilt that comes from an excessive intake of capitalism.
Wondering what else happened while your Xiaomi camera made you feel guilty by not hiding your real face? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
July 31
Yogi Adityanath says he started off as a science student before realising that religion is more useful TT archives
- In an interview with Agendas Now International (ANI), the chief mindwasher of Uttar Pradesh, who prefers “bulldozers over bureaucrats”, declares that he will only run for prime ministership when south India stops voting.
- Adults in Gujarat, who are accustomed to asking the government’s permission before drinking, will now have to ask their parents’ permission before marrying, so that women do not accidentally end up with husbands who enter the kitchen.
August 1
Greta Thunberg is all set to begin her bachelor’s degree in moral hypocrisy TT archives
- After Antonio Guterres, the UN secretary general, announces that the world has entered “global boiling”, climate influencers around the planet do their bit by rechristening the earth as “HOT MOTHER”. The biggest of them all, Greta Thunberg, enrols into a college in Sweden that has the most classes on Fridays.
- Donald Trump, whose list of indictments is catching up with his list of properties, is considering handing himself over to the police to take his presidential approval ratings to an all-time high.
August 2
For the first time in his life as Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau has met a problem he cannot solve with American aid TT archives
- Justin Trudueau, the Prime Minister of Canada, will be separating from his wife, Sophie, since she got tired of hearing his sweet-nothings before the rest of Canada.
- Following a coup in Niger, the government of Nigeria has been working overtime to refute journalists’ claims that Lagos is plunging into chaos.
August 3
‘Weddings are the best way for families to pay for mutual trauma,’ says Zoya Akhtar TT archives
- Speaking about the second season of Made in Heaven, where high-end weddings are organised to smash patriarchy, co-director Zoya Akhtar confirms that “the two most important people for the show remain Sabyasachi Mukherjee and Manish Malhotra”.
- Dev Adhikari will be the latest actor to play Byomkesh Bakshi as part of a social experiment to see which Bengali man can smoke a cigarette perfectly on screen.
August 4
After shooting for the second season of ‘Loki’, Tom Hiddleston calls OpenAI the ‘real god of mischief’
- Tom Hiddleston, also known as the real Night Manager, has this to say about the new trailer of Loki: “We wanted the series to accurately reflect the randomness of space and the unpredictability of time with a plot that is as confusing as the space-time continuum. That’s why the show was written by ChatGPT.”
- Following a thrilling Ashes series, where both England and Australia tried their best to lose, the BCCI has taken note of what is required to deliver box-office Test cricket. The answer, according to an unnamed BCCI official (whose name nobody knows anyway), is: “Rain.”