Nilanjana Sarkar’s marriage crashed in 2017 but that did not shatter her dream of becoming a mother. Two years later, she brought home a boy — a life-changing experience that helped her pull herself out of depression.
Srimita Adhikari’s desire to be a mother was strong, but she was also clear that she did not want to get married. Having adopted a girl in 2021, she built her own family while fulfilling her work commitments and enjoying her freedom.
Being both the parents
Nilanjana and Srimita grew up hearing about the importance of a ‘complete family unit’ — having both parents — in a child’s life.
“That was probably the reason I was not 100% sure of my decision initially. I could imagine what a struggle it could be and I was not confident of pulling it off successfully,” said Nilanjana, who was 34 when she separated from her husband.
Four years after adopting Rik — with her own father’s support at every step — not an inkling of doubt remains in Nilanjana’s mind.
“After my break-up, I slipped into severe depression and became a workaholic. It was then that I decided, with my father’s support, to fulfil my dream of becoming a mother,” the Barasat-based entrepreneur said.
It was Nilanjana’s father who had taken his daughter to a counsellor to help her cope with the trauma of a broken marriage. “Several sessions later, two things happened: I slowly started to get back on my feet and I realised that I could still become a mother. I realised that it is possible for a single person to meet the child’s needs of both parents,” she said.
For Srimita, it was more about challenging the patriarchal system. “I love my job and my freedom. It is legal for a single woman to adopt a child and I didn’t want to complicate things with a relationship. I earn enough to run a family and thus decided to start a family on my own,” said the Salt Lake-based techie who joined a single mothers’ forum and started communicating with them before taking the leap. “Soon, I was certain that it was possible to raise a child without a father and made up my mind.”
Having a father figure
A child may grow up without a father, but Nilanjana learnt that a father figure was essential. Nilanjana’s father filled that role happily.
“Our life went through a lot of change after I adopted Rik in 2019. I lost my mother to COVID. But I didn’t go back to depression because my father was there,” she said.
For Srimita, her neighbours came to her rescue. “The married couple next door always wanted a child but couldn’t have one. So, right after I brought Srotoswini home, they became guardians for both of us,” she said. Srotoswini is three now and the bond has only strengthened with time.
The initial days were challenging
The first couple of months were extremely challenging. Despite having proper support systems, they both lacked experience and struggled like any other first-time mother. “I got maternity leave from my office and devoted my entire time to my son. I still remember those sleepless days as I struggled to soothe Srotoswini. Feeding, bathing and cooking were what I did the entire day,” Srimita said.
Nikanjana’s situation was even more challenging. The owner of a sari boutique, she couldn’t miss work for a long time. “Besides taking care of Rik, I had to visit my shop for at least a few hours every day. However, unlike others, I received good sleep because Rik always had a normal sleeping pattern.” Despite everything, it was tough taking care of the baby, managing home and shop all at once. “My father helped a lot but he could do only so much,” Nilanjana said.
Social challenges
Nilanjana and Srimita have both found a rhythm in their lives but challenges keep popping up every now and then. If constant queries from anyone and everyone about the child’s father were not draining enough, school admission proved a challenge.
“In most cases, I tell people the truth. In my close and extended family, people know the reality and they have accepted it,” Srimita said.
“Rik is five now and, with the help of my counsellor, I am bringing my son up in a way that he knows and accepts reality from a very early age. It is not wise to hide things from him as when he comes of age, he will know everything about himself,” Nilanjana said.
*All names changed on request