It all began “with the obsession of thinness’’, it was everywhere... whether I ran to Mumbai to kick-start a better opportunity as a model, or stayed back in Calcutta and felt burned out.
I remember back in Mumbai I was a young 25-year-old, bubbling with energy, hungry and ambitious for work, but somehow lost.
By “lost” I mean not just lost in life, I had no purpose, no intention. Skinny is sexy was a self-image I believed in casually for so many years that left me blinded in a rat race I wasn’t prepared or meant for.
Even though I had achieved enough, it was never enough. Do we really know when to stop, take a step back, relax and live?
I think I was honestly bored and done with the constant self-gratification, that was a by-product of my job and having to please the world really. I wanted to participate in a bigger purpose, that’s all I knew.
Back home I was riddled with new health issues because of dieting and of course, insecurities in the head of having to prove were escalating. That’s when yoga came to you. It’s true, it does come to you, just like love. You keep waiting, till you experience it one day.
There is truly no scientific explanation for yoga or love. It’s an experience.
Moving on, slowly I gravitated towards pranayama and meditation before I even explored the asana aspect of it. But it didn’t take me too long to test the waters of what it actually felt like to tune into a deeper self, without judgement, a quiet mind and awareness that taught me to pay attention to signs of hunger, how to trust it was appropriate and good to eat, when I was hungry.
So I gave up the notion of yoga as a ‘get thin quickly routine ‘ and decided to surrender to it holistically at a much deeper level to battle my repressed insecurities.
My practice became stronger, I became more overconfident, the ego took precedence and I ended up injuring myself with a disc bulge. I decided to denounce the random YouTube videos I would try to copy and shifted my focus to professional training, that would heal me without any kind of surgery or dependence on painkillers. This injury proved to be a huge learning lesson for me that urged me to choose the authentic path to learn from scratch.
My first training in Mysore was a living nightmare, the discipline, rules and regulations were overwhelming, nothing close to anything I had experienced in 30 years of my life before. I had no option, I was hellbent on fixing myself, but still unsure and anxious if this was really for me.
I was this girl who was heavily into kick boxing, the adrenaline rush, the deadlifts. I loved it! It satiated the physical ideologies I had about my body, but internally there was something lacking, an emotional void.
I stayed back in the ashram. It was the dedication and perseverance of other practitioners that both intimidated and inspired me.
I often find it difficult to pinpoint when my transformation happened.
People often notice visible changes in me that I can’t really see. But if you ask me I’d say, no yogic practice transports or changes you into a divine being. It’s a subtle shift, a shift you don’t even realise till you are put in a negative situation alone, and you simply observe how your mind perceives and tackles the situation in a positive way. I still get derogatory comments on my body while I’m on the job, ‘like her shoulders are too strong, or thighs are too athletic’.
If this happened 10 years back to the younger me, I’d be ashamed, miserable and damaged like a helpless mannequin, but today I see, I accept it as part and parcel of my job. I stand there unapologetically waiting to rock whatever outfit’s in my destiny because clearly, someone has to evolve.
My relationship with my body has transformed three-fold, and indeed with myself. Yoga teaches you that you’re everything you need to be right now, and all the answers are inside of you. The intention is to protect your mind from validation rather than shrinking your hips.
Self-love is a complex process. It’s very hard to accept yourself just the way you are, thanks to Instagram, but self-confidence and self-respect don’t come from a place of comfort. It’s only when you push your limits, space of feeling discomfort, is when you genuinely start falling in love with yourself.
What’s the point in berating your body, and living with demons in your head? This is where yoga helped me. It consciously directed the two seemingly disparate parts of myself, the mind and the body instead of opposing one another. It gives you an opportunity to gravitate towards new ways of breathing and understand the potential of your lungs, through which you recognise your breath. The power of the breath is what helps to look deep within and connects you with a deeper self.
Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t just a bunch of stretches. You feel alive, not just in your arms and legs. ‘You are an energy, a spirit’.
That’s exactly what I teach my students. Teaching is something I never thought I would do, but nothing in the world makes me happier than those smiling grateful faces in my class. There was a point where I just had two students. I’d come all the way from Salt Lake to teach in Ballygunge, and it clearly felt like I was walking a dead end, in a city bustling with the workout cultures in the gym. My holistic approach, without aircon, ‘let’s feel healthy, rather than just look’ seemed like a failure.
But, I was so passionate about my sadhana, and confident that through my own teachings, I knew it would make an impact but would take time. I would often say my classes are not an alternative to a spinning class or a Zumba class. It’s a place dedicated to your body to release tension and emotional distress. And, today I run a class full of students. So manifesting what you believe in from the core of your heart is very important! So on world yoga day, I’d say continue to let that spirit shine and take care of its expression by taking care of your body.
You can reach Sneha @miss_ghosh on Instagram