Now that India finally has a half-built home for its most beloved child (who will never grow up), the nation can go back to obsessing over the man-child who demands more attention than any infant, human or divine. Having eaten nothing but air (time) in the build up to his photoshoot at Ayodhya, this man-child has resolved to not eat any solid food until he is re-appointed as the country’s prime egoist. His party has confirmed that there will be no risks to his health as long as he consumes his daily share of headlines.
Meanwhile, the Centre celebrates Republic Day by describing the Constitution as “outdated” and calls for the creation of a new document, tentatively titled Sabka Vidhan. Early drafts leaked to the press suggest that as per this document, each Indian citizen will be given a Dharma card, which must be linked to their nearest temple. In the absence of biweekly temple attendance (to be monitored by local kar sevaks), Indians may lose access to bank accounts, passports and even government jobs.
Elsewhere, Gucci launches a special monkey cap collection in its Kolkata outlets, starting from Rs 75,000. Bengali uncles in south Kolkata line up to grab their new headgear before being dragged by their wives to Gariahat.
Wondering what else happened as the weather turned Kolkata into Rum Rajya? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
January 22
“I’m not an anti-Semite for the simple reason that I’ve always admired how Jews make money wherever they go,” clarifies Elon Musk TT archives
- Elon Musk infuriates multiple identity groups on X after visiting a former Nazi death camp at Auschwitz and commenting: “This is a great example of how ruthlessness generates resilience. I’m tempted to replicate the spirit of Auschwitz with my team at X.”
- The International Court of Just Vibes rules that Israel is not guilty of committing genocide in Gaza, since no uniforms demarcate Hamas members from Palestinian civilians.
January 23
“We’re switching to all-veg courses to better understand the average BJP voter,” reads a statement from the INDIA alliance TT archives
- The Trinamool Congress (TMC) leaves INDIA after the alliance decides to serve only vegetarian meals at its subsequent meetings.
- The AfD, also known as the Alternative for Germany, is set to be banned from German politics after government officials found that not a single party member of AfD has ever read Karl Marx.
January 24
“The turning point of the Republican presidential nomination will arrive when Donald Trump’s team eventually runs out of misogynistic jokes,” claims Nikki Haley TT archives
- Nikki Haley, who is receiving more marriage proposals than political endorsements from Donald Trump supporters, vows to carry on in her bid to win the Republican presidential nomination, since the fate of her upcoming Netflix documentary depends on it.
- Teenagers in North Korea must pass a “tenacity test” before entering college, as per the newest whim of Kim Jong Un. As part of this test, every teenager must be accompanied by a state-appointed supervisor while they watch 20 hours of K-dramas non-stop. Any teeanger that cries will be barred from entering college.
January 25
“My day begins and ends with a mirror routine, where I analyse my face for 15 minutes straight,” reveals Orry TT archives
- “I’m going to launch a new show called Orriverse, where my entire life will be on display 24x7,” announces Orry, who recently finished above Rahul Gandhi in the list of ‘The Most Credible Indians Without Credentials’.
- Journalists covering the India-England Test series have been prohibited from asking questions about the pitches being used for the matches. However, they are allowed to ask about Virat Kohli’s “personal reasons” for missing the first two Tests, for which Rohit Sharma has been supplied with 18 potential answers by the Indian team management.
January 26
“I’m glad I’ll be trying out only 500 outfits before the Oscars,” jokes Margot Robbie TT archives
- Margot Robbie receives her first Oscar nomination for most patient actor (female) for trying out more than 5,000 different outfits during the shooting of Barbie. Katrina Kaif earns a surprise nomination in the same category for returning to work with Salman Khan during Tiger 3.
- Fighter is pulled from cinema halls in Pakistan after censoring the word “Pakistan” in the film reduced its runtime to 15 minutes.
