Elon Musk, Kiran Rao and Sally Rooney headline the week that should have been

Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred

Reports from the Central Indoctrination Agency (CIA) show that the chances of Kamala Harris or Donald Trump getting fatally shot during campaigning are now higher than US soldiers accidentally killing civilians on “rescue missions”. As a result, Democrats and Republicans have suspended in-person campaigns for their respective candidates, with holograms expected to fill in their stead. Hearing this, an enlivened Joe Biden demands to re-enter the presidential race but is talked out of it during his latest therapy session with the Obamas.

Meanwhile, a detailed report on corporate working habits in India, called “Warm Regards” reveals five alarming patterns — women apologise 141 per cent more than men on emails, nobody ever “circles back” in six months, most creative directors know their clients better than their partners, first-jobbers feel threatened from constantly being stalked on Google Sheets, and most CEOs are paid on the basis of words spoken, not hours clocked.

Elsewhere, Instagram influencers who have already ideated a month’s worth of content based on watching Coldplay perform, pool funds together to book hotel rooms in Mumbai with a clear view of the DY Patil Stadium.

Wondering what else happened as you realised you cannot sue Book Me Slow (BMS) for not accounting for your dodgy WiFi? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

September 23

“AI responding to prompts by the Indian government,” reads a cheeky New York Times caption on jubilant American Indians TT archives

• Thousands of Indian Americans or American Indians who lost their voices (better than losing their OCI status) during the visit of India’s prime tourist to the US have been reassured by the Indian embassy in Washington that they will be compensated by being cast as extras in an upcoming Bollywood film.

• India’s finest amateur chess players have been invited to Delhi to advise the PMO on how to arrange chess pieces (to prevent trolling) for an extensive photoshoot showing India’s master of moves playing simultaneously against every single one of the country’s gold medallists from the Chess Olympiad.

September 24

“Not being asked questions on Aamir [Khan],” responds Kiran Rao on what she is most looking forward to at the Oscars TT archives

• Laapataa Ladies is chosen as India’s official entry to the Academy Awards because the adjudication panel (where the ladies were actually laapataa) could not figure out how to watch Payal Kapadia’s All We Imagine as Light. Kiran Rao, for her part, hires a voice coach to work on her American accent.

• Trams, the engineering embodiment of sloth, are permanently discontinued in Kolkata to stave off the threat of being converted into mobile cafes.

September 25

Elon Musk believes that Brazil’s Supreme Court “needs to be dissolved for interfering in the activities of the global public sphere [that is X]” TT archives

• Entangled in a protracted battle over “freedom of propaganda” with the Supreme Court in Brazil, Elon Musk proposes a revamped constitution for South America’s most populous nation, with the caveat that “I will get this implemented if a 100 million people like this (on X)”.

• In the aftermath of the pager attacks in Lebanon (believed to be the handiwork of James Bond fans at the Mossad), Hezbollah begins a mass recruitment drive for pigeons, having resolved to communicate solely through letters.

September 26

Anura Kumara Dissanayake has heartened left-wingers across Sri Lanka by vowing to “borrow record amounts from China that we never have to pay back” TT archives

• Anura Kumara Dissanayake narrowly triumphs in the Sri Lankan presidential elections after the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) identifies his name as the easiest to pronounce out of all the candidates.

• Todd Boehly, the inventor of the 4-4-3 footballing formation, is ready to step down as co-owner of Chelsea after fulfilling his four-year dream of seeing himself lift the Premier League title in the recently released EA Sports FC video game.

September 27

“This is the first of my novels for which I finished writing the screenplay before the manuscript,” says Sally Rooney about ‘Intermezzo’ Instagram/Sally Rooney

• Sally Rooney’s new novel, Intermezzo (a title suggested by Netflix), receives expectedly rave reviews, with a Gen Z critic from the Guardian praising the Irish author “for successfully reviving the Jane Austen model of recreating the same world with new names every few years”.
• Michael Cole, the long-term publicist of the late Egyptian businessman Mohamed Al-Fayed, dismisses the accusations of sexual violence against women levelled at his former boss:“The fact that Mr Al Fayed was a noble gentleman, who only ever mildly abused his son, is irreproachable, proved beyond doubt in season six of The Crown.”