There is a mansion, it is haunted, boo, blah, the end.

That’s pretty much all there is to say about Haunted Mansion, a live-action branding opportunity from Disney “inspired by” its theme-park attraction of the same name. The first of these opened in 1969 in Disneyland, in Anaheim, California, where it’s in the “Music-Lovin’ New Orleans Square,” as the park’s website puts it. That’s the site of another fan favourite, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, which spawned a multibillion-dollar film franchise for Disney. Haunted Mansion is unlikely to do the same.

This is the second feature based on the “Mansion” attraction. (A 2021 Halloween special, Muppet Haunted Mansion, is streaming on Disney+.) The first film, The Haunted Mansion (2003), starring Eddie Murphy, was widely panned but made millions. In his review, the New York Times critic Elvis Mitchell wrote that it was “only a matter of time before “‘Parking Lot: The Movie’ and ‘People-Mover: The Motion Picture,’” an observation that feels more true and less funny now that this year has brought us other IP-based branding opportunities about all kinds of stuff, including sneakers (Air), games (Tetris, The Super Mario Bros. Movie), junk food (Flamin’ Hot) and, of course, a doll (aka Barbie).

The new Haunted Mansion was directed by Justin Simien, whose first feature, Dear White People (2014), is an incisive, sharply funny satire about a political firestorm at a college that earned him a lot of attention and led to both a book and a well-received Netflix show of the same title. I hope that Disney paid Simien truckloads of money to direct Haunted Mansion and that he had more fun making it than I had watching it. He keeps things moving along, more or less, and the appealing cast hit their marks, but it’s dispiriting to see him directing what is effectively a feature-length Disney promotion. I hope it’s his last big-studio ad.