We took a break after a long time. We had some good family fun,” Tahira Kashyap Khurrana tells me about her recent trip to Maldives, with her actor-husband Ayushmann and children Virajveer and Varushka. Tahira, who has been pretty prolific with her writing in the last two years — and is also now in the middle of directing her debut feature film Sharma Ji Ki Beti — has come up with a new book named The 7 Sins of Being a Mother, a fun, honest and personal read which shatters the typical stereotypes expected of a mother in Indian society. Reason enough for t2 to catch up with the always delightful Tahira for a chat.

Irreverent, honest, tongue firmly in cheek... The 7 Sins of Being a Mother is totally you. What was the idea behind writing this book?

I think I just had this spurt of wanting to be mad again! (Laughs) I think I just wanted to embarrass myself and my family... yet again! (Laughs) Last year wasn’t enough and I thought, iss saal bhi kuch toh karein! I am a mad woman! Honestly speaking, I don’t know why I have done this, but I do know that I will ruffle a lot of feathers again and offend a whole lot of people. But I guess I just can’t stop being me.

Honestly, the book is really not about being a mother... it’s about being a woman. It’s a fun, light, quirky read, but I try and make some meaningful points. I hope it goes down well. At the same time, I have also observed that once you become a mother, you are expected to become holier-than-thou and this godly figure who can’t have any sex drive or other guilty pleasures (laughs). And I was like, ‘Oh my God, if that’s the definition of a mom, then I have been very sinful in my journey!’ (Laughs) I just want to give a perspective that not every woman is a stereotype.

There are a whole lot of women out there who feel like me, women who may not have experienced the expected gamut of emotions on giving birth to a child.... Every experience of being a mother is different and unique and at the end of it, we are women who are individuals, we are not stereotypes of each other. This is yet again my intention, one more time, to let people know that there is a lot more to being a mother than just birthing, feeding, giving milk and always feeling happy and proud. At times, we can be frustrated, we can be nauseous, and we may not want it at times... and that’s perfectly okay! It’s okay to be sinful (laughs).

Have you always been someone who doesn’t care much about being judged?

I would say that I have evolved to being this person. In my 20s, I was shit scared of the world, I was like a tortoise, one would always find me in a shell, I could barely speak in a room! (Laughs) But then I was someone who loved to speak, I always had an opinion about almost everything, but I was always scared of being judged.

I also wanted to be a certain body type because I thought that was the only acceptable body type. The kind which is supported, glorified and people look up to. And similarly, I thought that one’s opinions needed to be a subset of a larger perception of women and how they are seen.

Honestly, at that time, I didn’t want to be an outcast. I was very, very scared all the time... and I also felt guilty for a major part of my life. But after a point of time, mera ghada bhar gay tha... I couldn’t take this shit anymore! (Laughs) I was like, ‘F*** you, world! I am just going to live the way I want to live, and I am going to speak my mind.’

I would really like to credit the practice of Nichiren Buddhism which taught me self-love. I was always critical of myself and also very harsh... I could barely look at myself in the mirror... I don’t know why I was like that. But what I know is that a lot of women — and also a lot of men — resonate with that feeling. That lack of self-appreciation and self-love, just because you do not look or behave like a popular person. You don’t fall into a prototype. And that’s the narrative I wanted to change. I needed a change in that narrative for myself. I wanted to be somebody who felt that it was okay to falter and make a blunder and be fine with it. I learnt it the hard way, but now this is me. I am more forgiving and accepting of myself today.

I won’t say that I feel like this 24x7... I am still a work-in-progress. I go to Instagram, I spend two hours on it, I see a hot body and I want to go to the gym again! (Laughs) The only difference is that I am now aware. I didn’t have this awareness earlier that, ‘Oh, I can be different, and yet I can be doing well for myself.’ So today, if, in a moment of weakness, I try and emulate someone who I possibly can’t be, that awareness immediately sets in... ‘It’s okay, be yourself, calm down.’

How much did that phase of battling cancer, where you shared your journey with the world with all honesty, contribute to making the person you are today?

I actually became irreverent and outspoken right before my health scare. It had already started showing up in the short films I made or the Instagram posts I put up or even what I spoke. When the health scare happened, I was already practising Nichiren Buddhism and that helped me evolve and accept and not play the victim card.

Before it happened, I had everything. I was a size eight, today I am a 10 or a 12... I had waist-length hair and the features of what we think a decently good-looking girl should have. I had a husband who was doing decently well and I was also peaking at that time. I was a mother, and to the world, it looked like I had the perfect life. But I was so bloody unhappy! I hadn’t gone to a doctor then, so I can’t say that I was clinically depressed, but I can vouch for it that I had anxiety attacks. I dealt with a whole lot of stuff at that point of time. And when I was introduced to Buddhism, I realised that I am a hero, I needed to take ownership of my life, I didn’t have to be the victim.... That’s when I started cherishing my life and then cancer happened, and I am happy that I had the awareness and attitude to take on cancer as a means to come out on the other side being a better version of myself.

I think it’s very important to attach significance to our lives which, as mothers, we sometimes forget. Which as women also, we tend to forget. We make our spouses or our kids or our boyfriends the centre of our universe, and our happiness depends on them. The moment you change that mindset, you will realise that you are so much more than just a wife or a mother.

Tahira with husband Ayushmann Khurrana

But then, in Bollywood, there are some stereotypes attached to being a star wife. How do you work around that?

I don’t even know if I have lived up to those expectations. You tell me... I want to know! (Laughs) I do not like this label at all because I don’t know where is this booklet, where is this guidance where it says how one needs to be a star wife... where is the syllabus?! (Laughs)

I was once asked, ‘Aapke pati toh ab bade star ho gaye hain, aap kya interior designer banengi?’ I was like, ‘Why would I do that?! I don’t think I have the qualification to be one!’ (Laughs) So, clearly I haven’t made the mark of being a star wife.

But those who do that, I am sure they are individuals in their own right. One is always proud when your partner does well, but your life is your life. It need not be an extension of your husband’s.

A lot of the ‘sinful’ things in The 7 Sins of Being a Mother involve Ayushmann. Was he completely on board in baring his personal life to this extent?

I am a very unfiltered person, but I do share my scripts and manuscripts with him. But not with the intention of it getting filtered. My understanding with him is, ‘I am sharing this with you not for it to get sanitised by you, but for you to give me your creative inputs.’ He understands that and he never tries to clip my wings. In fact, I don’t give that power to anyone anymore. It’s not a gift from heaven that God has given you a nice husband. If you are nice, he will, hopefully, be nice (laughs).