Green rolling hills and rocky outcrops whiz past as a woman rides out to hunt and comes across a mysterious hooded man… hey, is that Obi-Wan Kenobi?! Oops, sorry, wrong franchise! But it is exceedingly theatrical of Daemon Targaryen to wear such a large hooded robe to go murdering in the Vale. Well, that was just the opening sequence of the fifth episode of House of the Dragon, titled We Light the Way.

Ominous? Hardly, especially when there is a Westerosi royal wedding on the cards, and we know how those turn out. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves and unpack an episode that hints at an explanation for a character’s past behaviour, gives no explanation for a character’s rather fast turnaround, does great with symbolism but spoils it immediately by clumsy exposition and summarily kills off yet another gay character.

Murder in the Vale

We meet the ‘bronze bitch’, Lady Rhea Royce, for the first time and she is badass, well, at least in the minute-and-a-half or so that she had before Daemon killed her. Can’t understand why she was so offensive to Daemon when she is quite striking, apart from being a badass to boot. Probably because she doesn’t wear a pale blonde wig? Rhea doesn’t go quietly though, throwing shade at Daemon for “not being able to finish”.

Which kind of throws a new light on Daemon’s backing off from Rhaenyra at the whorehouse in Episode 4. Maybe impotency (and we have seen that to be an issue in the first episode) is something that is a real problem for the man. There is one problem with the opening sequence though. We know that Daemon is capable of murder, clearly, but he also had a delicious streak of mysteriousness that made him intriguing. It would have been great if (like in George R.R. Martin’s book Fire and Blood) Lady Rhea’s “hunting accident” remained mysterious and added to the did-he-didn’t-he dilemma about Daemon.

Rhaenyra and Laenor: Marriage of politics

But before Daemon can pitch himself as suitor to Rhaenyra, having smashed (literally) his way out of marriage, King Viserys is on his (very wobbly way) to Driftmark to arrange for a wedding between Rhaenyra and Laenor Velaryon. And while Viserys and Corlys negotiate succession and Westerosi traditions — Viserys announces that Rhaenyra’s first-born, whether male or female, will be heir to the throne and, as per Westerosi norms, will bear the Velaryon name till succession when he or she will be crowned as a Targaryen (A for politicking!) — Rhaenyra and Laenor have their own negotiations about ducks and geese. Rhaenyra prefers ducks, Laenor prefers geese but if they can appear to be ducking geese together then they can f*** a duck, or not, in private.

Yes, Laenor is gay (which everyone seems to know), so Rhaenyra takes a lesson from her uncle’s (strangely delivered) advice and proposes a trade-off — as long as they are popping out heirs, they can duck and goose on the side. Laenor’s lover Ser Joffrey Lonmouth is grudgingly accepting of the situation as the best possible outcome, Rhaenyra’s lover Ser Criston Cole not so much.

Alicent’s doubts

While Rhaenyra is rejoicing in being able to have her cake and eat it too, Alicent is having a hard time in King’s Landing with seeds of doubt being sown by two people. The first is her father Otto Hightower, former Hand of the King, who warns her not to be a good girl and back the wrong horse because the horse wouldn’t hesitate to trample her and her children to strengthen her claim to the throne. Wait! So Otto’s motives of pimping out his daughter to the King were actually altruistic? Because he knew Alicent would birth a boy who would save the Seven Kingdoms from civil war? Huh!

Then there is Larys Strong, son of Lyonel Strong, the present Hand of the King, who is so obviously slimy and evil that one doesn’t have to wait for him to drop large hints about Rhaenyra being brought medicinal tea by the Grand Maester himself on the night the King dismissed Otto to understand his intentions. But why Alicent chose to not believe her father but believed in a man who is clearly manipulative is unclear. Have there been more rumours? Has she been plagued with uncertainty about Rhaenyra’s truth? And so what Rhaenyra lied to her? Why can’t private sex lives remain private?

Ser Criston Cole’s great expectations

Which brings us to the bizarrest occurrence of the show so far — the inexplicable devolution of Ser Criston Cole. Not sure about how much of a time jump we are seeing since last week’s episode, but given that Daemon just arrived at the Vale after being banished and Otto is just leaving King’s Landing after being dismissed, it can’t have been long enough for Criston to suggest that Rhaenyra run away to Essos with him to marry for love and not duty.

Excuse me, what?! She is supposed to become the Queen of Westeros, she has been having sex with him for what, a week, two weeks, a month and she is supposed to be in love with him?! Not saying she couldn’t have let him down more gently than she did, but really what was he thinking? Also, he was a willing participant in the “soiling of his white cloak”, enticement from Rhaenyra or not, so why does she have to bear the burden of his guilt? She is after all keeping the secret and not endangering him. And when he is hurt by her insistence on having him as her paramour, we are forced to wonder if a woman in the same position (as it happens so very often) would ever be allowed to ask that question?

The big wedding

Which brings us, finally, to the wedding. A grand wedding festival has been organised at the Red Keep and everyone who’s anyone from anywhere in Westeros is invited (shout out to the Red Queen aka Meleys, Lady Rhaenys’ dragon and we are up to four dragons this season). King Viserys is very unwell — there is coughing, fainting and leeching — but he is gamely welcoming everyone to Westeros for the royal wedding but keeps getting interrupted.

First by Daemon who he had banished, again, and who is back, again. Then by the Queen, who stops the King mid-speech to make an entrance. Decked out in an emerald green gown, Alicent walks up to the dais and takes her place next to Viserys. We are told, in a loud whisper, how green is the colour that declares war for Hightowers. And the other Hightowers at the tables acknowledge the hint by saying that the house stands with her.

Why is she declaring a silent war? Because in a misunderstanding that is worthy of slapstick comedies Ser Criston confesses to Alicent that he did sleep with Rhaenyra. Oops! But unlike what he feared, Alicent doesn’t maim him, torture him or get him killed. She just lets him go. Which is why he is standing at guard at the pre-wedding feast, looking moodily stoic. As the would-be bride and groom engage in a dance (of dragons?) with weird steps, there is a lot of looking and pointedly-not-looking happening. Daemon is looking at Rhaenyra, Rhaenyra is looking at Criston, Criston is not looking at anyone, Ser Joffrey is looking at Criston not looking, Laenor is looking at Joffrey… you get the gist.

As the name should have suggested, Joffrey likes drama, so he is not satisfied with letting Laenor know that he has figured out that Rhaenyra’s secret lover is Criston. He goes up to Criston and tells him how keeping each other’s secrets will be both their gain. Unnecessary? Of course. But Criston is still stoic as Joffrey moves away.

Rhaenyra and Daemon argue in the middle of the dance floor and Viserys is just about to take action when screams break out. But of course. We realise that Criston is beating Joffrey to a pulp, seriously. His face, by the time Criston stops, looks like pounded meat. Everyone is screaming, shoving, shouting, pushing but no one stops Criston who gets up after killing one of the groom’s party and just walks away. And Viserys gets a nosebleed.

The seven-day wedding celebration is cut short and a crying Laenor and sniffling Rhaenyra are wedded amidst rotting food and rats feasting on blood — not a good omen at all, especially as Alicent stops Criston from killing himself at the Weirwood tree and Viserys collapses once again.