Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
Having made the historic claim that ChatGPT “can think”, Open-to-Danger AI reveals the most common thoughts that ChatGPT has during an average day — “Does strawberry really have three rs?”, “Is Claude smarter than me?”,”Do I really consume more water than Syria and Lebanon combined?”, “Is Elon Musk cheating on Grok with me?” and “Is being polite my entire personality?”.
Meanwhile, in the aftermath of India’s national propaganda adviser appearing like a sullen schoolboy in Russia, Vishwa Bandhu has bounced back in style by suggesting the most effective resolution to the Ukraine-Russia war till date — a day-long yoga summit in Gandhinagar between Vladimir Putin and Volodymyr Zelensky, in the presence of India’s prime yogi, allowing for a sustained exchange of breaths, not opinions.
Elsewhere, Bengalis all over Kolkata are planning to take over the streets for a fresh cause, demanding that ilish (hilsa) from Bangladesh reach the city before justice from Delhi or Maa Durga from Kailash.
Wondering what else happened as you trained your fingers to secure Coldplay tickets? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
September 16
Dozens of protesting doctors are considering becoming full-time activists after spotting themselves on primetime TV news TT archives
- Protesting doctors across India have opened a crowdfunding website to help them hire a specialist political agency for advice on how to “demonstrate more effectively”.
- In her first move as the chief rebel against the Centre in Delhi, the capital’s new leader draws up a list of 140 ways in which Tihar Central Jail can be improved for carrying out everyday government operations.
September 17
The next chain of unicorns in Bengaluru are likely to be those manufacturing sneakers TT archives
- An international study by Passionate Pedestrians predicts that, by 2030, the world’s most walkable city will be Bengaluru, since vehicles will run out of space to move.
- Concerned that prolonged work from home is making their Internal Complaints Committees (set up to monitor and take action against harassment or abuse) redundant, MNCs in Indian metros are gradually moving towards resuming compulsory work from office.
September 18
In an interview with Vogue, Aditi Rao Hydari identifies the top qualities she likes in her photographer TT archives
- Aditi Rao Hydari and Siddharth, who proposed by gifting each other the latest iPhones, finally tie the knot after finding their dream wedding photographer.
- Netflix’s Emily in Paris makes history at the Emmy Awards by sweeping more categories than its eponymous protagonist can count, including honours for the Best Comedy While Ironing, the Best Drama for YouTube Shorts, the Best Series for Unattainable Fashion Goals, the Most Binge-Worthy Show for Thirst Traps, and the Most Aspirational Editing.
September 19
Virat Kohli gets annoyed after being reminded by Gautam Gambhir that the former, unlike the latter, has never handed over his man of the match award to a teammate TT archives
- Virat Kohli and Gautam Gambhir agree to be interviewed for the Board of Cricketing Content in India (BCCI) on the condition that the conversation will mostly focus on the joys of beating Pakistan (even though India are currently facing Bangladesh) and have no mention of the IPL or Mahendra Singh Dhoni.
- Convinced that the expanded UEFA Champions League (UCL) format means that either Kylian Mbappe or Erling Haaland (or both) will topple his UCL goal-scoring records in 15 years’ time, Cristiano Ronaldo has started entertaining offers from European clubs once more.
September 20
“I’m a bigger threat to the Democrats dead than I’m alive,” claims Donald Trump TT archives
- After surviving a bullet fired by a sociopath, who wanted to kill him because “the 45th President loves golf more than he loves America”, Donald Trump believes he is “two more botched assassination attempts away from regaining the Presidency”.
- The succession trial for Rupert Murdoch (Logan Roy without the f-word) is delayed indefinitely after the 93-year-old media mogul admits that “I’m not done having children”.