Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
In a move likely to take humanity one crawl further to World War III, Iran sends a series of ballistic missiles to Russia for use in Ukraine as well as for weapons transfer to the Houthis in Yemen, who plan on smuggling the missiles into Switzerland, from where they will be sold to Germany and then passed on to the United States to boost the American mission of arming Ukraine against Russia.
Meanwhile, Kamala Harris beats Donald Trump in their first screen test after Trump is unable to answer the most important question of the face-off — how many shows did Taylor Swift perform as part of her Eras Tour in the US? Inevitably, Swift, already too popular to require a Presidential run, endorses Harris as her candidate of choice, since “Kamala has what it takes to overcome decades of systemic misogyny and finally change the playlist at the White House.”
Elsewhere, the most curious court in India has asked protesting doctors around the country to submit their daily schedules at their earliest convenience so that the court can fix an optimal time for daily protests.
Wondering what else happened as you waited for someone to take suo motu cognisance of your overflowing inbox? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
September 9
The most intense episodes in ‘Chemo with Kate’ will feature Kate Middleton smiling, not speaking TT archives
- Kate Middleton, fully healed from cancer, is all set to star in a TV series titled Chemo with Kate, documenting her chemotherapy sessions in what The Buckingham Palace calls “an exemplary portrayal of how to combat adversity with grace and gumption”.
- Apple unveils its much-anticipated iPhone 16 as a “revolutionary device” for its ability to do with Apple Intelligence everything previous iPhones could do with human intelligence.
September 10
All AfD party members have been asked to publicly burn their copies of ‘Mein Kampf’ TT archives
- The German government has imposed a one-year ban on The Alternative for Germany (AfD) party after an in-depth government study found that six prominent male leaders of the AfD have accents that sound eerily like Adolf Hitler.
- Amidst heated conversations on the best literature to include for sex education in schools and colleges, Paraguay has chosen The Bible as the most authoritative book for a comprehensive sex-ed curriculum.
September 11
The Crimes of India finds that 75 per cent of Indians who believe in the death penalty also believe in dowry TT archives
- A survey by The Crimes of India, a Gurgaon-based NGO, shows that the death penalty remains “the most effective form of pacifying protesters and absolving collective social guilt when it comes to sexual violence in India”.
- India’s Standing Committee on Statistics has been dissolved after its head Pronab Sen went against government advice to give his 139th interview to Karan Thapar. In its place, a new Standing Committee on Vishwa Bandhu Vibes will be formed shortly, whose task will be to report data in keeping with the prevalent mood in the country.
September 12
Brendon McCullum stays quiet about rumours of him applying for British citizenship in order to open the batting for England in white-ball cricket TT archives
- Speaking about how Bazball will change the face of white-ball cricket, Brendon McCullum, set to take over England’s men’s ODI and T20 sides, says: “No batter can afford a strike rate lower than 250. Playing two consecutive dot balls will be fined. We will do everything possible to ensure that all English white-ball internationals shine in their national colours so that they can make it big in the IPL.”
- Hours after the announcement of English cricketer Moeen Ali’s retirement, ex-South African batter Hashim Amla, vacationing in London, is mobbed for selfies in public for the first time in his life.
September 13
“If you’re a young CEO today, your role models should be Gariahat shopkeepers and not Silicon Valley tech bros,” suggests Nikhil Kamath TT archives
- Nikhil Kamath, the chief economic advisor to teenage Indians, shares what young CEOs can learn from Gariahat shopkeepers — “negotiate as a clique by seeing your immediate rivals as your immediate allies; pay subtle compliments to customers without going into overt flirtation; set up your shop in sweltering heat to force customers to think irrationally; and increase the pitch of your voice as you increase the price of your products”.
- Reporters across India’s top news publications are being moved en masse from the books and city beats to the newly minted Deepika-Ranveer-baby beat, with potential bonuses in store for any journalist who can successfully predict the child’s name.