Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
In the latest example of turning to colonial-era laws to drive Viksit Bharat forward, the Centre has formally introduced the Unoriginal Pension Scheme (UPS), which has been widely supported by those who prefer to take money from the public rather than the government. With most middle-aged Indians expected to reach retirement age by the time they figure out the “game-changing impact of UPS”, the government has made it clear that the simplest solution to earning more pension lies in working harder.
Meanwhile, with the Malayalam film industry having its #MeToo moment, 137 male actors from Mollywood, accused of different levels of sexual misconduct on film sets, have issued a collective defence: “As believers in method acting, we were simply ‘in character.’” As a response, the Kerala government has suggested casting AI female avatars in Malayalam movies so as to protect actresses without compromising on misogynistic scripts.
Elsewhere, AI-turned-woman Kamala Harris, whose campaign slogan, “Keep Kamala and Carry On” is going viral, challenges Donald Trump to a televised face-off on who understands internet lingo better.
Wondering what else happened as you realised that being called a ‘brat’ for years is actually a compliment? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
August 26
Plans for a Taylor Swift-themed protest near Jadavpur are in full swing, likely to be attended by more than 5,000 students from across Kolkata TT archives
- Dozens of college students (mostly from Bella Ciao University) have announced mass boycott of rallies happening in Kolkata that do not limit protest music to songs originally performed by female artistes.
- The Association of Tollywood Actors and Activists (ATAA) has issued a statement declaring: “None of our members will engage in any promotional events for their films until justice is delivered in Bengal. All questions pertaining to upcoming releases will be answered during protest marches.”
August 27
“It’s time we acknowledge that bhangra and tandoori chicken are not fundamental elements of Canadian culture,” says Justin Trudeau TT archives
- Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, whose Hollywood dream is getting closer with every political controversy, announces significant restrictions on the rights of foreign workers in Canada after getting tired of listening to Punjabi music at after-parties.
- Pavel Durov, the Telegram founder who was arrested in France after police tracked him down through his girlfriend’s Snapchat stories, is set free upon agreeing to decrypt the Telegram chats of Marine Le Pen.
August 28
The Queen had mastered the mannequin challenge when it went viral in 2016, claims 'Inside Lilibet’ TT archives
- A new book on the late Elizabeth II, outrageously titled Inside Lilibet, reveals several shocking facts about the longest-waving monarch in British history. Here’s a selection — the Queen had suggested curing Princess Diana’s bulimia by feeding her dog biscuits, the Queen had written to Peter Morgan complaining about Princess Margaret “always looking too pretty” in The Crown, the Queen liked her horses better than her grandkids, the Queen had a massive crush on Daniel Craig, and the only time the Queen had cried in private after ascending the throne was when her favourite pastry chef passed away.
- In a move that has spurred calls for the return of a more civilised force to Afghanistan, the Taliban has made it illegal for women to breathe within 10 metres of a man in public.
August 29
“Priyanka Chopra also has more followers than a certain someone, but she hasn’t been bothered because she doesn’t stay in India,” complains Shraddha Kapoor TT archives
- Following repeated nudges from the culture ministry, Shraddha Kapoor has requested her fans to unfollow her on Instagram, so that India’s prime protagonist regains his status as the country’s most followed actor on the platform.
- Dua Lipa agrees to perform at the Zomato Feeding India concert in Mumbai on the condition that Zomato buys the unsold stocks of her trademark vanilla-sea-salt-olive-oil (a single flavour) ice-cream for the purpose of feeding the undernourished in India.
August 30
“My biggest rival isn’t Lionel Messi, it’s Mr Beast,” shares Cristiano Ronaldo TT archives
- Addressing rumours regarding his retirement on his YouTube channel, Cristiano Ronaldo, who is soon going to break the Guinness world record for mirror selfies, says: “I won’t retire until I outscore my son (Cristiano Jr.) in a professional match and prove that I’m still the best footballer in the family.”
- An imminent change of guard at the Indian Cricket Council (ICC) means that Pakistan will soon lose its status as a full member of the ICC, largely owing to disinterest from Indian broadcasters in showing Pakistan matches not featuring India.