Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
A 77-year-old woman has garnered attention for filing a police complaint in every Indian city, in search of her son called Vikas, who was supposed to have met her in Delhi (on his way from Gujarat) more than five years ago. The woman, who has two names on her Aadhaar Card, has been told that her son has either fled to the US, been kidnapped by China or shot down by terrorists from Pakistan. As compensation, she is likely to be given two cows and a radio set, where she can receive free therapy on select Sundays.
Meanwhile, a pan-India survey shows that the safety of women in any public place is directly proportional to their distance from the nearest party office. On the subject of women’s safety, thousands of Indian men, whose every sixth word is slang abusing females, sign a petition to “upload at least one story a day on women’s issues on Instagram”.
Elsewhere, with Bengal overcoming years of FOSO (Fear of Speaking Out) over the past few days, the government has assured citizens that it will take urgent steps to improve security for women in the state, starting with increased contributions to Durga Puja committees in Kolkata.
Wondering what else happened as you spent your “long weekend” the way you spend every weekend? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
August 12
“A few more gold medals at the Paralympics and France may be able to halt the far-right for another decade,” feels Emmanuel Macron TT archives
- French President Emmanuel Macron has made a formal request to the International Paralympic Committee to extend the upcoming Paralympic Games in Paris by a whole week in order to “prolong political and cultural stability in France”.
- With Ukraine making an incursion into the Kursk region in Russia, an emotional Vladimir Putin appears on state television to address his compatriots: “Today, I feel vindicated… I kept telling the world that Ukraine has no respect for sovereign borders…” Hours after Putin’s statement, the Guardian and the New York Times release internal memos recommending their journalists to use “special military response” to describe Ukraine’s actions.
August 13
“My family has a fundamental right to rule over Bangladesh, a right I’ll exercise, if required, from India,” claims Sheikh Hasina TT archives
- In her first public statement since fleeing Bangladesh in a chopper that has given her chronic migraine, Sheikh Hasina says that “it is the moral responsibility of the world to restore my rightfully elected regime in Dhaka”. On the other hand, many of the student protesters who are a part of the interim government in Bangladesh are starting to lose interest in their undertaking after listening to daily lectures from Muhammad Yunus on how to run the Bangladesh economy through micro-financing.
- Japanese Prime Minister Fumio Kishida has decided to step down after three years of nodding along to everyone and everything, dismayed that foreign leaders still call him “Shinzo Abe”.
August 14
According to Hindenburg Research, SEBI’s investigations into the Adani Group were done by a team of unpaid interns TT archives
- The Shifts and Evasions Board of India (SEBI) has condemned the latest accusations from Hindenburg Research, declaring that “there cannot be a conflict of interest when national interest is at stake”.
- The Centre has withdrawn its controversial broadcast bill for now after belatedly realising its potentially disastrous impact on state-sponsored trolls.
August 15
Elon Musk has suggested Donald Trump to get a Neuralink implant in his brain once the latter becomes US President again TT archives
- In the interview with the most buffers in history, Elon Musk and Donald Trump confess that they love each other (almost) as much as the free market, before promising to retire together on Mars.
- Following rumours of a major disagreement, Real Madrid’s Kylian Mbappe and Jude Bellingham are believed to have sorted things out as to which of the two gets to come out of the tunnel last during Madrid’s matches this season.
August 16
Shah Rukh Khan breaks the Guinness world record for most selfies taken after his speech at the Locarno Film Festival TT archives
- Shah Rukh Khan, the recipient of the “World’s Most Aesthetic Weeper” award at the Locarno Film Festival, reveals the most important reason behind his sustained stardom: “Finding the perfect perfume to match my personality.”
- “This is the first movie of mine where Ryan [Reynolds] has stared at my co-stars more than me,” shares Blake Lively, whose film, It Ends With Us, has proved once again that a love triangle with beautiful faces writes itself.