Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
In light of the political turmoil in Bangladesh, India is keen to arrange a series of meetings with neighbours like Bhutan, Nepal, Myanmar and Sri Lanka for knowledge transfer on how to deal effectively with student protesters. The US has withdrawn support from Bangladesh’s interim government after realising that their pillaging bills are being paid by China whereas the UK has promised to issue emergency visas to all Bangladeshi chefs adept at making kacchi biryani.
Meanwhile, Sheikh Hasina, who has fallen sick on account of the poor quality of fish in the Indian capital, is under pressure from Netflix to return to Bangladesh, as those entrusted with making a documentary on her life strongly recommend featuring an assassination attempt. Analysing the events in Dhaka, the Economist declares that the best way out of political chaos for Bangladesh in the long run is to open as many McDonald’s outlets as possible.
Elsewhere, the central government in India refuses to classify Bengaluru as a metro city, as it has too few paupers and too many potholes.
Wondering what else happened as you mourned Buddhadeb Bhattacharjee by resolving to wear red for 34 days? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
August 5
“You can talk to me about Critical Race Theory without feeling judged,” says Tim Walz in his first speech as Kamala Harris’s Vice President pick TT archives
- Tim Walz, who is learning more about himself with every passing day, has been selected by Kamala Harris to be her candidate for Vice President. The selection was based on the potential of Walz’s accent to appeal to American men who have never had a meaningful conversation with a person of colour or a woman or both.
- A power struggle continues in Venezuela with the Central Interference Agency (CIA) yet to make a move, since Joe Biden cannot remember which Venezuelan party the US is supposed to support.
August 6
The Rwandan government has said that it cannot accommodate any British citizens looking for refuge from violence TT archives
- Inspired by Western legacy media outlets like the BBC, a Rwandan newspaper, called The Afternoon Herald, goes viral for its headline describing the recent mob violence in the UK: “An evolving, multi-racial England must do more to tackle the delayed consequences of colonialism.”
- “My jokes work better on one person at a time,” admits serial podcaster Joe Rogan, as he quits stand-up comedy following the lukewarm response to his latest special. Rogan, who was hoping to be cancelled through his special and had recorded a four-hour-long response to that end, feels “disappointed that people have suddenly stopped taking offence”.
August 7
Data showing the railways ministry spending more on influencers than on protective technology for trains has been rubbished by ministry officials TT archives
- The railways ministry has admonished the Indian media, complaining of “a systemic bias towards negativity” in a statement that recommends the publication of “a weekly list of trains that have not met with any accidents over the past year or longer”.
- As per the fifth draft of the new broadcast bill, Indians will be subject to an “opinion tax”, where strict fines can be imposed on anyone whose “personal views on social media are found to be morally incorrect”.
August 8
Vinesh Phogat’s team believes she could have lost the 100gm that disqualified her from the Olympics had she not had to spend 30 minutes on an ‘unmissable phone call’ TT archives
- Hema Malini commends Vinesh Phogat for “making India proud”, before adding that Phogat should be thankful to India’s police personnel for boosting her combat strength by manhandling her during the wrestler’s protests last year.
- Having dismissed the possibility of gender bending as an Olympic sport, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is planning to create “a 134-member commission, comprising hormone therapists, politicians, social media consultants and select fans to better understand who can claim the right to be a woman”.
August 9
Ranbir Kapoor has reportedly told Alia Bhatt that Nikhil Kamath is his therapist TT archives
- Rumours of a fight between Ranbir Kapoor and Alia Bhatt continue to gather momentum after the latter allegedly asked her husband why he does not talk to her the way he talks to Nikhil Kamath.
- Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds are expected to move in together after Marvel Studios releases its full list of post-movie promotions for Deadpool and Wolverine.