Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
After a perfectly endurable wait of three years, the greatest show on earth (in terms of carbon footprint) is back. The Olympic Games are taking over Paris, the last city in the world that needed to spend close to $10 billion to attract more tourists. Among those who have already made it to the French capital, New Yorkers feel the most at home, given how the ‘City of Light’ exudes the olfactory charms of garbage and weed. As usual, the US and China are favourites when it comes to the weapons (rather, the medals) count, with the likes of France, Germany, Spain and the UK hoping to have more of a say than they do at NATO.
Meanwhile, here are the sports making their bow at Paris 2024 — baguette bingeing (with water from the Seine for digestive support), slouch-a-thon (lying on a sofa without falling asleep), slapping (Will Smith is a last-minute entry for the US contingent), Call of Duty (Russia has complained against its inclusion, citing their ongoing victory since February 2022), ghosting (evading one’s romantic stalker for the duration of the Games) and gossiping (the most scandalous conspiracy theory wins).
Elsewhere, five Indians, the ones most likely to earn a medal for the country, will be accompanied by a camera crew from the PMO, recording their reactions to daily messages of good luck from India’s Zeus.
Wondering what else happened as you could not believe that procrastinating isn’t an Olympic event yet? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
July 22
“I will beat Donald Trump because I’m on the right side of capitalism,” claims Kamala Harris TT archives
- Kamala Harris is delighted to accept Joe Biden’s endorsement as the Democrats’ frontrunner for the White House after confirming with Biden that being President of the US involves far more smiling and far less thinking than being Vice President.
- Michelle Obama rules out a Presidential run for herself as she is convinced that she can “reach out to more Americans and create greater impact through my podcasts”.
July 23
Income tax slabs are set to be highest for stand-up comedians in India TT archives
- India’s Union Budget for 2024-25 introduces a revolutionary scheme for individual income tax based on how important someone’s work is (measured via Viksit Value) towards the “projection of a positive image of Bharat”. As for the tax liability for companies, the rates charged will be directly proportional to the percentage of religious minorities constituting an organisation.
- The Bangladesh government has requested student protesters (those still alive) enraged over quotas in government jobs to halt protests for two weeks in the hope that rising inflation, unemployment and civil unrest, among other issues, will make the protesters forget what they were protesting against.
July 24
“The CIA should assume direct control over Gaza,” recommends the ICJ TT archives
- The International Court of Jabbering (ICJ) has urged Israel to “stage a complete withdrawal from its occupied territories in Palestine, since it has been unable to capture the entirety of Palestine in over seven decades and must, in the interest of fairness, provide other settler colonies a chance”.
- In the latest instance of the TikTok effect on real life, teenagers around the world are getting obsessed with aura points (also known as the “cool index”), which can be self-tabulated till perpetuity. The top everyday actions (in no particular) supposed to fetch you 1,000 aura points are — waiting for 20 hours to view your crush’s story, getting a LinkedIn recommendation from your date, spending one hour on Netflix without texting anyone, keeping your video on throughout all work calls for a whole day, and completing three workout sessions without clicking a selfie.
July 25
“I know Bollywood heroines who are scarier without makeup than Sarkata,” shares Shraddha Kapoor TT archives
- Following the trailer launch of Stree 2, Shraddha Kapoor confirms that she almost backed out of the project after finding out that “the film’s VFX engineer was being paid more than me”.
- Climate change anxiety levels in the West register their sharpest dip in three years thanks to Twisters, starring Daisy Edgar-Jones and Glen Powell, which is fast popularising storm-chasing as a fun weekend adventure.
July 26
“He’s crucial for us because of his all-round abilities in front of the camera,” says Suryakumar Yadav about Hardik Pandya TT archives
- With controversy swirling around Hardik Pandya being overlooked for the role of India’s T20I captain, the BCCI has released a statement justifying Suryakumar Yadav’s appointment as the leader in the shortest format: “Yadav has been picked as skipper after our new coach completed a 360-degree analysis of Yadav’s brand endorsements and deduced that he has the right skillset to take the Indian T20I team to the next level on Instagram.”
- Keeping up with Capitalism, a San Francisco-based thinktank, declares that pickleball skills have officially overtaken PowerPoint skills in sealing business deals in the US.