Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
Ahead of “Turbulent Traffic Day” in Kolkata on July 21 — where one party condemns the injustice of 1993 and another condemns everything since 2011 — here are a few things to keep in mind: Metro trains operating from north and south Kolkata will only stop at Esplanade, buses not carrying flags cannot ply, complimentary biryani will only be given to those who can sing the first stanza of Khela Hobe, huge cash prizes await anyone who can click a viral image of a rain-soaked politician mid-slogan, and all those found to attend both rallies will be detained for being jobless communists.
Meanwhile, a comprehensive survey of middle class debt by Broke in India shows the five most common reasons (in no particular order) why Indians avail personal loans — to make their weddings Instagrammable, to spend a fortnight in Thailand or Vietnam, to sustain themselves while preparing for the civil services exam, to subscribe to all OTT platforms showing Indian cricket, and to bake cakes once they are tired of creating PPTs.
Elsewhere, scientists have announced that those Indians with the voter’s ink still visible on their index fingers should be examined for severe vitamin deficiency.
Wondering what else happened as you were dismayed to find that the global IT outage had no effect on your company? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
July 15
“Only send your doppelgangers for campaign speeches,” was Vladimir Putin’s advice to Donald Trump, which the latter has chosen to ignore TT archives
- Dismayed at not being able to gun his own shooter down, Donald Trump tells his entourage that he will be carrying two AR-15-style rifles (one in each trouser pocket) for his upcoming campaign speeches.
- Hours after declaring J.D. Vance as his Vice Presidential candidate, Trump changes his mind, as “I need the absolute best person for my image management”. Trump proceeds to approach the man who shot him successfully and memorably — photographer Evan Vucci — to be his running mate.
July 16
The MEPs who did not vote for Ursula von der Leyen reportedly suffer from cibophobia TT archives
- Ursula von der Leyen is re-elected as President of the European Commission after promising a year’s worth of free lunch for every Member of European Parliament (MEP) at any of Europe’s Michelin Star restaurants.
- The Economist explains how “fresh shoots of democracy are appearing in Rwanda” after President Paul Kagame is unable to win 100 per cent of the votes.
July 17
Kylian Mbappe has been warned by Real Madrid’s media department to not smile so much while wearing the all-white kit TT archives
- Real Madrid’s newest Galactico, Kylian Mbappe, agrees to play for the Spanish giants for free on getting to spend five minutes with each of the club’s 15 European Cups/UEFA Champions League trophies.
- Gareth Southgate will continue as manager of the England men’s football team, since the Football Association (FA) rejected his resignation letter on account of it being “one dimensional, monotonous, unstructured and, most importantly, incapable of getting the most out of the rich potential of the English language”.
July 18
Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant’s first destination is London, where they will be provided more security than is provided to Keir Starmer TT archives
- Rates for Jio’s recharge plans are set to go up now that Anant Ambani and Radhika Merchant have put the final touches on their honeymoon trip, which will last two years and cover 131 countries, including 16 “banana republics” that the Ambanis might want to purchase.
- Despite setting a world record by planting 1.1 million saplings in a single day, Indore administrators face rebuke from the Centre for being unable to locate the millionth sapling (in time) for the country’s prime planter of hopes to inaugurate.
July 19
“We bonded over playing second fiddle to Ranbir Kapoor,” explains Vicky Kaushal, when asked about the secret behind his chemistry with Tripti Dimri TT archives
- “We always give the audience what it wants,” says Vicky Kaushal, confirming that his new film, Bad Newz, will run in theatres with its superhit songs on loop before the entire film premieres on Netflix in three months’ time.
- Speaking about her latest movie, Fly Me to the Moon, Scarlett Johansson makes a startling revelation: “The coolest part about doing this was going through the historical records and finding out that the US authorities were hell bent on broadcasting the fake moon landing because it would’ve looked better on TV.”