Ignoring the spirit of secularism prevailing on Instagram, the Government of India has decided to proceed with the implementation of the Citizenship Arbitrarisation Act (CAA). According to the updated provisions of the law, any human being (not termites) from Pakistan, Afghanistan and Bangladesh can claim citizenship of India as long as they can chant the Hanuman Chalisa from start to finish. Additionally, another version of the CAA, called the Citizenship Annulment Act, is in the works, which will require existing Indians who have protested against the original CAA to prove their Indianness by enlisting personal instances of discrimination against minorities.
Meanwhile, details pertaining to electoral bonds sent by the Stale Bank of India (SBI) to the Supreme Court show that almost 70 per cent of donors to the ruling party are Hindu deities with bank accounts in Singapore, Hong Kong and the UAE. In an even more startling revelation, the biggest donor to the Congress turns out to be the BJP, in what political commentators are calling “a strategy to keep up the illusion of competition”.
Elsewhere, several members of the CPI(M) are shocked to find out that nobody has donated any funds to them since Fidel Castro passed away in November 2016.
Wondering what else happened as you started pretending that your dues on Splitwise are donations? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
March 11
“You’ll not see me wearing clothes in public until there’s a ceasefire in Gaza,” claims John Cena TT archives
- After his stunt at the Oscars brought him more traction than breaking his bones for 20 years as a professional wrestler, John Cena decides to pose naked with a placard that reads “CEASEFIRE” in order to “do my bit for world peace”.
- An international survey on excessive calorie accumulation (previously known as obesity) among individuals with a stable income finds a direct relationship between one’s weight and the number of emails they reply to on a daily basis.
March 12
Whoever is hired by the Royal family to edit photos for Kate Middleton must know how to depict Kate in Meghan Markle’s best clothes, suggests the Royal Rumour Mill TT archives
- In light of Kate Middleton’s new-found fondness for editing photos, Buckingham Palace is looking to hire a Photoshop specialist who will be paid in scones and gossip.
- Luis Montenegro becomes the new Prime Minister of Portugal after convincing enough voters that he has the most credible plan to ensure that Cristiano Ronaldo never retires from football.
March 13
OpenAI has barred Elon Musk from using the software inspired by him TT archives
- Tired of being trolled everyday by the richest man-child on the planet, OpenAI launches a new software called Musk-MCP, which can come up with “instant politically incorrect memes for people who have too much time and money to waste”.
- Indian uncles (after three pegs) tuning into the ongoing T20 action every evening curse themselves at not being able to recognise a single ‘IPL’ player.
March 14
Twelve different Bollywood celebs have paid half their net worth to get a selfie clicked with Ed Sheeran in Mumbai TT archives
- Ed Sheeran’s Mumbai tour makes him an overnight billionaire after his agents charge every Bollywood celebrity for clicking and posting pictures with him. Kanye West takes notes.
- Ranveer Allahbadia, the face of modern Indian journalism, has been informed by the PMO that he can fulfill his lifelong dream of interviewing the Prime Minister only if he changes his creator name from BeerBiceps to The Gomutra Guy.
March 15
“The Tricolour brings out more emotions from me than any heroine’s eyes,” suggests Sidharth Malhotra TT archives
- Sidharth Malhotra, the next actor to try and prove his loyalty to India after Hrithik Roshan, has this to say about his latest film, Yodha: “It’s by far the easiest love story I’ve ever done, because when you love your country, you don’t need to act.”
- The release of Netflix’s ensemble thriller, Murder Mubarak, has been pushed back after the filmmakers suddenly realised that they forgot to reveal the murderer at the end of the story.