Ahead of the 96th edition of the Oscars, the Academy of Pentagon Arts and Sciences has roped in Donald Trump to replace Jimmy Kimmel as host in the hope that the attention Trump receives from the event will be enough to stop him running for President of the US. Trump, of course, is also in contention for best director at the Oscars for his belatedly nominated production, Conquering Capitol Hill. As for best film, Taylor Swift’s The Eras Tour has come in as a last-minute replacement for Oppenheimer, which was disqualified due to Christopher Nolan’s reluctance to reply to the official nomination by email.
Meanwhile, Cillian Murphy has been informed that he will not be winning in the best actor category if he fails to provide at least three memeworthy expressions during the Oscars’ red carpet. The gong for best actress, set to be a two-horse race between Emma Stone and Lily Gladstone, will be handed over to whoever supplies the most gossip at the pre-Oscar gala. To spice things up further, Ryan Gosling, apparently indifferent to ‘Ken-dangering’ his career, has promised to slap every single man voting for the Academy Awards should Barbie walk out of the Oscars empty-handed.
Elsewhere, Margot Robbie may not be attending the Oscars at all, since her designers can no longer come up with a new shade of pink.
Wondering what else happened as you analysed which of your friends should win best supporting actor/actress in a situationship? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
March 4
“Over the past decade, I have met at least 70 Bihari men over 60 who have left their wives thinking they can become Prime Minister,” says Lalu Prasad Yadav TT archives
- After Lalu Prasad Yadav insults the Prime Minister by saying that Narendra Modi “has no family”, trolls on X whom the PM has followed at any point since 2014 add “Modi ka parivaar” to their bios.
- According to the findings of the latest Pew survey on democracy, which is usually read most diligently by dictators, there appears to be a direct correlation between a political leader’s disregard for democratic process and the number of times they have been invited to a State event in India.
March 5
Mark Zuckerberg is planning to launch a Meta watch for the company’s elite customers, inspired by the one he saw on Anant Ambani’s wrist TT archives
- Facebook and Instagram run into server issues due to overworked Meta staff’s inability to juggle daily responsibilities with Mark Zuckerberg’s newest instruction to recreate “all the delicious, unpronounceable stuff I ate in Jamnagar inside the Metaverse”.
- The Stale Bank of India (SBI) tells the Supreme Court that it cannot provide detailed information regarding electoral bonds anytime before June 2044 due to the “unalterable structure of our lunch breaks”.
March 6
“The only thing I have ever faked in my life is my accent,” admits a defiant Jay Shetty Wikimedia Commons
- Days after the Guardian ran an expose on ‘sinfluencer’ Jay Shetty, known for introducing the rich to the impact of cliches, the Indo-British wellness monk says: “A lot of questions have been asked about my faith, where my beliefs stem from and what religions I specialise in. Let me clear the air once and for all by saying that I have, and always will be, a devout follower of unbridled capitalism.”
- France becomes the first country to enshrine abortion as a constitutional right in order to attract more human capital from the US.
March 7
“The one-line brief I got for ‘The Regime’ was — imagine a man’s ego in a woman’s body,” shares Kate Winslet TT archives
- After the release of the first episode of The Regime, where Kate Winslet plays a maverick European autocrat, Ursula von der Leyen sues HBO Max for “making a biopic on my future without my permission”. Winslet responds by tweeting: “Who is Ursula von da whatever….?”
- The England Bazball Board (EBB) has announced that regardless of the result of the final Test match between India and Bazland (sometimes referred to as England), each member of Ben Stokes’s Bazboys will be paid “a considerable bonus” for successfully clinching the 2024 ICC Moral Victories Championship.
March 8
“Women are now fighting for the right to be called women while certain men want to experience womanhood as if it were hiking,” declares the Association of Call Me By My Sex TT archives
- To mark the celebration of International Day for Birthgivers and Potential Birthgivers, previously known as Women’s Day, 112 male CEOs from across the planet volunteer to simulate the feeling of period pain in their bodies. Following an exposure of 20 minutes (with the spectrum ranging from “not bad enough to skip small talk” to “just about okay to sit through meetings” to “time to message HR”), all volunteers book week-long vacations to recover from the trauma of corporate chivalry.
- With Bengaluru running out of water faster than roads, municipalities in the city have requested Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) fans to harvest their tears during the upcoming season of the IPL.