Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
In keeping with the essence of Indian masculinity, India’s manliest man has over-promised and under-delivered. His Non-Democratic Alliance, fiercely supported by hitherto independent institutions, has been unable to trounce an Opposition that proved that organic drama is a better campaign strategy than premeditated policies. As the emperor of mixed emotions picks his favourite gods for the next five years, millions of Indians could not be more excited to have instability and chaos restored to our Parliament. Speaking of gods, the one in Ayodhya, unlike our ministers, seems to be a big fan of political comedy.
Meanwhile, hundreds of Indian entrepreneurs have applied for Green Cards in the US after seeing the stock market fall lower than their principles. Messrs A & A has announced an emergency meeting to debate if India’s Macduff-turned-Macbeth should be replaced by someone born of a biological mother, who does not like the sound of his own name as much.
Elsewhere, horticulturists across India sit up and take notice of how a lotus can grow and wilt at the same time.
Wondering what else happened as you struggled to find the right angle to show off your ink-stained index finger? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
June 3
“The last time I was this over-awed was when Cristiano Ronaldo gifted me his personal underwear collection,” admits Kylian Mbappe TT archives
- Kylian Mbappe agrees to play for Real Madrid for free after club president Florentino Perez grants him permission to spend one full day with one of Madrid’s 15 European Cup/Champions League trophies.
- The United States men’s cricket team inducts four Indian-Americans into their squad after being impressed with their crowd-catching skills at the ongoing T20 World Cup. This should help the US outfit compensate for the loss of the original Indian-Americans they had selected, who have left the tournament prematurely on account of “urgent corporate commitments”.
June 4
Indian students from no less than 125 colleges write to their institutions to hire Yogendra Yadav as a guest lecturer TT archives
- Yogendra Yadav and Prannoy Roy, the single malt of election analyses in India, discover a new fan base as teenagers across metro cities cannot stop swooning over the irresistible combination of salt-and-pepper beards and soft-spoken, civilised English.
- Indian liberal academics at elite Western universities are crestfallen after the election results, as their countless drafts of op-eds, research papers and books about the death of democracy in their favourite winter holiday destination turn useless overnight.
June 5
The UN is in talks with WHO to develop a special kind of mask that helps human beings breathe less TT archives
- On World Environment Day, the UN pioneers a solution to mitigate global warming by requesting citizens of member nations to practise rationed breathing so as to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide generated through human exhalation.
- Lithuania, also known as the G-spot of the world (since most people have no idea where it is), becomes the country with the “highest percentage of happy university graduates” in Europe, primarily because its youngsters are yet to read Judtih Butler.
June 6
Dhinchak Pooja’s latest song with T-series will be “a desi rap that makes Mr Beast forget English” TT archives
- After Mr Beast overtakes T-Series to have the most subscribers on YouTube, India’s largest music label signs a five-year contract with Dhinchak Pooja to get access to her entire repository of cutting-edge cringe.
- Screenings of Shyam Benegal’s Manthan, currently running in cinemas after restoration, enjoys packed audiences in several Indian cities after a certain party instructs its Social Manipulation Cell to learn how to create subtle and nuanced propaganda.
June 7
Giorgia Meloni and Marine Le Pen also disagree on their favourite strongmen in contemporary politics TT archives
- Italy’s Giorgia Meloni (criticised back home for justifying her recent centrist political shift as a “mood swing”) has put negotiations with France’s Marine Le Pen regarding the European Union (EU) elections on hold. Rumours suggest that despite increasing similarities between their respective brands of fashionable fascism, the two women have run into irreconcilable differences when it comes to their preferred shade of lipstick.
- The Global Congress for Ambiguous Vocabulary (whose name itself is SEO-friendly) has come up with a much-needed, updated definition of genocide, which reads: “Any event or phenomenon involving mass violence, spontaneous or structured, that impinges upon the conscience of Ivy League students.”