Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
As D-Day approaches (where the ‘D’ stands for anything but democracy), the country’s leading party and its septuagenarian leader are getting increasingly nervous at the prospect of losing power, with their organisational legacy of successfully standing up to the most problematic minority at stake. Proven wrong in its path-breaking assumption that cronyism and economic welfare are directly proportional to each other, the party is coming to terms with how bold promises only work on primetime news anchors. To add insult to injury, multiple political scientists are saying that should this party return to power, these will be the last free and fair elections in the history of South Africa.
Meanwhile, ever the good ally, “designated minds from India” have sent a series of recommendations to the African National Congress (ANC) on how to overcome anti-incumbency. The most salient include — asking Cyril Ramaphosa to project himself as a messenger of god, finding the most successful Instagram marketeers without morals, distracting voters by getting AB de Villiers to feud with any old South African cricketing legend, and revising history books to portray apartheid as “two thousand years of slavery”.
Elsewhere, Prashant Kishor is so confident that a certain party will not cross 400 seats in the Lok Sabha that should they somehow manage it, he will eat his words, gulp them down with a glass of water and join them (again).
Wondering what else happened as you could not even win a seat in the metro? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
May 20
Benjamin Netanyahu is dismayed to find out that the few countries not obligated to arrest him under the ICC protocol are places his family never want to visit TT archives
- Israel’s prime manipulator Benjamin Netanyahu moves one step closer to negotiating with Hamas after the International Confusions Court (ICC) issues an arrest warrant against him, sending his summer vacation plans of a mini-world tour for a toss.
- Inside reports from Iran indicate that 123 different government officials had seen Ebrahim Raisi, the former President of Iran, carrying a copy of Salman Rushdie’s Knife in the two days before his fatal helicopter crash.
May 21
Scarlett Johansson refused to negotiate with OpenAI after ChatGPT called Chris Hemsworth Marvel’s most attractive cast member TT archives
- OpenAI has secured a copyright for the exact frequency and pitch of Scarlett Johansson’s voice for its suite of AI products, meaning the actress can no longer speak in “any creative project meant for profit” without OpenAI’s permission.
- The Association of Equal Opportunists (AEO) declares that words like “stupid, idiot and dumb” can no longer be used on Western university campuses and that all Ivy League and Russell Group institutions must create a “Cognitive Equality Department” to support those who feel threatened by other people’s IQs.
May 22
“Only my biggest shareholders are allowed to make fun of me,” fumes Ashneer Grover, mid-way through his roast TT archives
- Ashneer Grover, India’s answer to Elon Musk except that he wants to go to Monaco or Macau instead of Mars, walks out of his own roast after belatedly realising that there is not a single vulture capitalist (VC) in the audience.
- The Pune teenager who dismembered a Porsche (besides killing two people) has been punished with a prohibition on driving imported cars until he turns 21.
May 23
Janhvi Kapoor baffles journalists by asking why MS Dhoni’s Chennai Super Kings will not be playing at the ICC Men’s T20 World Cup TT archives
- Janhvi Kapoor, one half of the lead pair of Mr and Mrs Mahi, admits that she became a “lifelong fan of Mahendra Singh Dhoni in 2016” after an intense 10-minute heart-to-heart chat with Sushant Singh Rajput.
- A cat fresh out of a garbage truck upstages the most glamorous humans at the red carpet of the Cannes Film Festival, including Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, who fractured her wrist to complement her dress, and Kiara Advani, who assembled a team of 15 to minutely design her accent.
May 24
Mauricio Pochettino is delighted to leave Chelsea, since his severance package will allow him to spend the rest of his life in West London without working another day TT archives
- Chelsea sack Mauricio Pochettino after an in-depth analysis by their data team reveals that Pochettino’s per-game xG (expected gossip) was not enough to keep the Blues in the headlines all year around.
- The BCCI announces a pan-India initiative called “Go Green, Grow Green” (to be given a different name in West Bengal), which will see 100 saplings planted in every Indian city for every dot ball bowled in the IPL final.