Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
“We, the people of India, having solemnly succumbed to constitute India into an Multi-Aligned, Majoritarian, Chumocratic, Electioneering Republic and to secure to all its citizens: Discrimination, social, economic, political; Constraint, of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship; Equality of struggles and missed opportunities; and to promote among them all; Hatred, assuring the debasement of the individual and the division and decay of the Nation; in our paradox of a country, hereby adopt, enact and give to ourselves this revamped Constitution,” reads the updated preamble to the document that has given us 75 years of hope and hypocrisy.
Meanwhile, the chief guest for this year’s Republic Day celebrations is going to be Indonesian President Prabowo Subianto, the 15th choice from the original list, with the first 14 having rejected invitations on account of Delhi’s air quality, the obligation to receive at least 10 bear hugs from India’s Prime Celebrator, or both.
Elsewhere, Dhruv Rathee, the internet’s conscience keeper, opens a portal called Voice of India, where filmmakers can submit projects that have no hopes of being screened by traditional platforms. Rathee will stream all films for free on his YouTube channel as long as they refer to India a “fascist country” at least thrice.
Wondering what else happened as you planned to protest against national holidays being observed on Sundays? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
January 20
“Improving my golf handicap,” responds Michelle Obama, on being asked what is her biggest challenge to becoming the next US President Getty Images
- Michelle Obama, tired of being the least photographed former First Lady at Presidential events, skips Donald Trump’s inauguration to give a speech to university students in Chicago about the indispensability of tokenism and virtue signalling.
- The Washington Toast reveals that Elon Musk replicated a Nazi salute in the immediate aftermath of being sworn in as the US Secretary of Nepotism in order to win a $50 bet against his son’s classmate.
January 21
The powers that be have ensured that the guilty in the RG Kar case has no access to paper in prison lest he start writing a book about his version of events Getty Images
- A Kolkata court rules against the death penalty in the RG Kar case on the grounds that the most notorious Indian men are capable of far worse, inflicting another blow to middle-class Indians’ quest for vicarious violence.
- Crushing the hearts of Swifties, a report from The Crimes of India confirms that there will be no celebrities at the upcoming Adani wedding, since India’s national industrialist only believes in entertaining bureaucrats.
January 22
“Anurag Kashyap pitched me nine indie films in one day,” says Jaideep Ahlawat
- In the wake of another critically acclaimed performance in the second season of Paatal Lok, Jaideep Ahlawat shares that five directors from Bollywood have cancelled meetings with him in the past week. “One of them told me that I have too many expressions per emotion to be a Bollywood superstar,” recalls Ahlawat.
- A total of 157 entertainment journalists in Mumbai, working on the Taimur Ali Khan Pataudi beat, lose their jobs after a single man proves it is possible to break into Taimur’s house with consummate ease.
January 23
Coldplay’s next performances in India will need to be vetted for songs and shoutouts, declares the BCCI TT archives
- Coldplay receives little to no cooperation from PR agencies and hospitality partners on their way out of Mumbai after failing to acknowledge Virat Kohli and Rohit Sharma during their concert.
- Keir Starmer announces a 100-year solidarity pact between the UK and Ukraine, which includes a permanent deployment of a dozen British Instagrammers (with the Queen’s accent) in Kiev during wartime, lifelong tickets to the West End for Volodymyr Zelensky (but no promises for acting), and the presence of at least two Ukrainian footballers in every Premier League team.
January 24
Manchester City’s physio team estimate that at his current level, Erling Haaland should be able to score at least 25 goals a season till he is 57 Getty Images
- Erling Haaland signs a lifetime contract with Manchester City with a solitary stipulation: he must continue being the player who sells the most shirts for the club.
- Lewis Hamilton officially joins Ferrari as its chief fashion officer, entrusted with overseeing its new sportswear collection. As a perk, Hamilton will enjoy the right to prance around in a Ferrari every alternate weekend.