Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred.
If you feel inadequate because of your hair, your waistline or your voice (or all three), if you feel utterly repulsed by your own listless personality, if you feel you have more wrinkles than brain cells, then this is your moment. If you feel that neither friends nor money like to stay with you, then this is your moment. If you have touched more buttocks than hearts, then this is your moment. Your moment to never give up in your pursuit of failing upwards. For a man who has it much worse than you is about to relive everyone’s dream — the right to have unlimited cheeseburgers while staring at the nuclear button.
Meanwhile, with Donald Trump set to Make America Gross Again (MAGA), his chief bro-ligarch, Elon Musk, is at the risk of falling out with Trump’s closest aides over the age limit at MAGA parties. Bitter about all things British ever since he was rejected as the next James Bond, Musk claims that the Trump administration should take over British intelligence, since Grok alone can do a better job than the whole of MI6.
Elsewhere, the US decides to roll back its imminent decision to ban TikTok after Trump’s grandkids threaten to stop talking to him.
Wondering what else happened as you tried to calculate if your boss plays more golf than Trump? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
January 13
“I was against DEI the day I found out that South Asians take twice as many bathroom breaks as any other community,” says Jeff Bezos Getty Images
- Jeff Bezos declares that Amazon, following in the footsteps of Google and Meta, will be phasing out its Desperately Exhibiting Inclusivity (DEI) programmes, having maxed out on the algorithmic amplification of DEI.
- According to a report by LA Crimes, more than 80 per cent of Republicans are convinced that the California wildfires are a result of the Democrats neglecting basic water provisions in order to prove that global warming is real.
January 14
More than 5,000 devotees were forbidden from taking dips in the Ganga on the first two days of the Kumbh on the grounds of not being sufficiently high Getty Images
- The largest gathering of stoned adult men in the world is underway in Prayagraj. Kumbh Connector, a special app accessible to anyone with a Jio SIM card, has been designed for the maha occasion to help attendees locate suppliers from the same faith.
- With CEOs debating work ethic, an in-depth report by Break in India sheds light on the ideal work-life balance, citing how the average homemaker in the country works for 100 hours per week and still manages to keep up with the plots of their favourite TV soaps.
January 15
Andy Murray is sipping every water bottle assigned to Novak Djokovic during the Australian Open to ensure that they are not poisoned Getty Images
- Novak Djokovic, who has brought his own food for the entirety of the Australian Open, reveals why he chose former rival Andy Murray as part of his coaching staff: “Seeing Andy courtside is my biggest confidence booster… It instantly reminds me of my most dominant days.” For his part, Murray has been taking lessons from his mother on how to keep motivating a player well past their prime.
- A global survey of 156 countries by Circling Back, a Brussels-based NGO, finds that Gmail has finally overtaken Microsoft Outlook as the number one factor behind depression among white-collar employees.
January 16
Insider reports from ESPN suggest that P.V. Sindhu said no to racing an actual puma as part of her first brand advert with Puma Getty Images
- P.V. Sindhu and Puma face a tense few days of negotiations after an intern on the former’s team demonstrates beyond doubt that Puma’s new logo, a woman leaping with a racquet in hand, is a silhouette of Saina Nehwal.
- BCCI announces major tweaks to its policy on the travel of players’ partners to detract from unnecessary media attention. This includes a rule stating that a player cannot travel with his partner if the said partner has more followers on Instagram.
January 17
“Only weak leaders need to declare an Emergency to control a country,” feels Kangana Ranaut Getty Images
- Defiant about Emergency’s lacklustre box-office performance, Kangana Ranaut says: “I did this film to prove that India’s so-called pehla parivaar generates no interest among Indians anymore. With every empty screening, I stand vindicated in my belief that Indians do not like weak leaders anymore.”
- As per the latest urban congestion index, Kolkata beats Bengaluru and Mumbai to become the Indian city with the most opportunities for fundraisers at traffic signals.