Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
India and Canada have entered into a full-fledged diplomatic row after cancelling all concerts of Diljit Dosanjh in Toronto and Justin Bieber at Indian weddings indefinitely. Canada has accused India of changing the demographics of its corner shops while India has levelled counter-accusations of Canada stealing dozens of Indian domestic cricketers who could have become the next Sanju Samson. However, the biggest stumbling block concerns the reluctance of the leaders of both countries to meet for a joint dialogue owing to a deep distrust in each other’s photography teams.
Meanwhile, Israel and Iran, thanks to mediation from Qatar (read sheikhs with too much time and money), have agreed to not escalate mutual tensions on three conditions — Hamas and Hezbollah get access to six annual workshops from the Mossad on sabotage techniques, no Hollywood military dramas can be shot in Tehran, and both Israel and Iran practise “strategic amnesia” towards Gaza the way the world has done about Sudan.
Elsewhere, Indian corporates have issued strict instructions to employees to not comment on any geopolitical matters in the public domain unless they can spin it into marketing their company’s products or services.
Wondering what else happened as you couldn’t even attract the seasonal flu to extend your Durga Puja vacation? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
October 14
Salman Khan’s solitary demand for producing Lawrence Bishnoi’s biopic is that the film must not be called ‘Wanted’ TT archives
- Lawrence Bishnoi, India’s most influential prisoner, has withdrawn each of his 144 death threats against Salman Khan after the actor agreed to produce a biopic on Bishnoi and recused himself from playing the lead.
- Indian influencers in their early 20s go on a spree of flight bookings, praying that they get to board a plane with a bomb for “explosive content”.
October 15
Greta Thunberg will donate the prize money from her Nobel win towards teaching optical allyship to youngsters boycotting school to save the planet TT archives
- Greta Thunberg wins the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences for “subverting the long-held axiom that regularly attending school diversifies one’s financial prospects as a young adult”.
- A report by the Dystopian Times suggests that China and Russia are both recalibrating their defence budgets to use nuclear energy for the development of Artificial Combat Intelligence (ACI) instead of nuclear weapons.
October 16
AB de Villiers remains silent on rumours suggesting he has been approached by multiple political parties in India to become an Indian citizen and run for elections in Karnataka TT archives
- An emotional A.B. de Villiers pays tribute to Royal Challengers Bengaluru (RCB) after being inducted into the ICC Hall of Fame: “I’ll forever be grateful to Bengaluru. Choking so often with RCB made it so much easier to handle the same with South Africa.”
- Thomas Tuchel is named as the new manager of the England men’s football team following a four-hour interview, where he established beyond reasonable doubt that he can speak better English than Harry Kane.
October 17
More than six Zoom meetings in a day can be as dangerous to one’s health as smoking an entire packet of cigarettes TT archives
- A study by Equally Unequal finds a strong negative correlation between life expectancy and the number of morning briefing calls one has to attend.
- In an interview on the Lex Fridman Show, Jordan Peterson, YouTube’s most sophisticated mansplainer, unpacks the five most important things men need to do to win female attention — “get a partially visible tattoo, text monosyllabic replies, diligently post photos of your pet(s), learn how to spell Friedrich Nietzsche, and change your bedsheet every two weeks”.
October 18
“Paying the paparazzi to not click pictures on my bad hair days,” replies Rajkummar Rao to the question of what accounts for his highest monthly expenditure TT archives
- Firmly removing himself from Bollywood’s elite club, Rajkummar Rao, whose per film fees is equivalent to what a lead writer can make in three lifetimes, says: “I’ll feel rich the day I don’t have to sign up for EMIs for a sea-facing bungalow in Juhu.”
- Dharma Productions has confirmed that subsequent press screenings of its films will only be accessible to film critics who have at least 10,000 followers on social media. Those with more than 50,000 followers will also receive special hampers from Karan Johar, including a customised card with his phone number.