Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
In a televised message to the people of Lebanon (at least those still alive), Israel’s prime instigator Benjamin Netanyahu has made it clear that the Mossad (Israel’s version of the CIA, with a lower body count) already knows the grocery lists of every Lebanese family. All Lebanese citizens affiliated to Hezbollah have been urged to surrender to their most recent romantic partner (undercover Israeli agents) or risk being burnt to death when taking their next morning shower.
Meanwhile, Assembly election results in India have triggered curious responses. Following its unexpected defeat in Haryana, the leading Opposition party has resolved to only nominate female wrestlers as candidates for subsequent polls in the state. Whereas the ruling party’s inability to extend its dominance in Jammu to Kashmir has led it to greenlight social media posts passing off brutalities from other parts of Asia as cases of conflict in the Valley.
Elsewhere, junior doctors across Kolkata have pooled funds to erect a pandal (adorned with protest slogans) and a 20ft statue of Abhaya. Non-doctors are allowed entry into the pandal only if they post live stories on Instagram.
Wondering what else happened as your crush promised to meet you the next time Ashtami and Navami fall on the same day? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
October 7
A former aide of Donald Trump admits in ‘Nuts’ that Vladimir Putin speaks better English than Trump TT Archives
- Nuts, a new book by journalist Bob Woodward, reveals that as US President, Donald Trump wanted to livestream all his conversations with his ‘buddy’ Vladimir Putin, before the Kremlin politely declined Trump’s request. Further insights from the book confirm that Trump has been giving private golf lessons to Putin since 2017 while Putin’s team has trained Trump’s in identifying the most lethal poisons for different parts of the human anatomy.
- As the ultimate incentive to win the ICC Women’s T20 World Cup, BCCI announces that should Team India be crowned champions then every player in the squad will get an endorsement deal from an MNC and a 20-minute podcast with BeerBiceps.
October 8
‘I turned down a chance to play in the US because people kept calling me Landon Donovan over there,’ shares an embarrassed Andres Iniesta TT Archives
- No journalists turn up for the retirement announcement of Andres Iniesta, having incorrectly remembered the Spanish midfielder hanging up his boots in the summer of 2018.
- Anticipating Rafael Nadal’s decision to bring the curtain down on the tennis career with the most grunts, organisers of the Davis Cup in November (set to be Nadal’s last tournament) have opted to change the surface of the venue for the finals from hardcourt to clay.
October 9
‘The prize money from my Nobel wins will play a tiny part in Space X developing the world’s most devastating bomb, the only guarantor of universal peace,’ claims Elon Musk TT Archives
- Elon Musk becomes the first individual to win two Nobel Prizes in the same year, claiming the Physics accolade for “his ambitious plan to transport himself to Mars in a flying Tesla by 2034” as well as the Medicine award for “successfully diagnosing the biggest illness of the 21st century as the woke mind virus”.
- In the other Nobel honours, the guru in Vishwaguru wins the Nobel Peace Prize after hugging more heads of state than any other person in history. Sally Rooney scoops the gong for Literature for “proving that Gen Z can read books with perfect grammar from cover to cover.”
October 10
All Ola employees have been ordered to unfollow Kunal Kamra on social media with immediate effect or submit their resignation TT Archives
- Kunal Kamra has been banned for life from using all Ola vehicles, leading the comedian-turned-activist to move the highest court on grounds of violation of his freedom of movement.
- A pan-India survey by McKinsey has sent shivers down the spines of young management consultants, for it shows how “AI has already overtaken the PowerPoint skills taught to Indians at IIMs”.
October 11
‘No comments,’ says Alia Bhatt, in response to critics calling her a ‘way better action hero than Ranbir Kapoor’ TT archives
- Jigra, which has more close-ups of Alia Bhatt than the rest of her career put together, becomes the first Bollywood movie to fail the Sandeep Reddy Vanga test — the requirement for a film to have at least one conversation between two male characters that glorifies violence or objectifies women.
- Singham Again earns Rs 100 crore before its release by paywalling its 15-minute trailer, which director Rohit Shetty says took 11 months to make.