Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
With temperatures approaching the IQ level of the average Indian, here are some things to keep in mind to retain your cool this summer. Do not ask your partner(s) about situationships and your parents about dictatorships. Do not count the number of mishit sixes in every IPL match. Do not open LinkedIn. Most importantly, do not read second-rate fantasy fiction advertised as election manifestos.
Meanwhile, a Netflix documentary on the “world’s largest elections” discovers that free biryani is the biggest vote-puller in West Bengal, that dozens of MPs have changed their names to Mahendra Singh Dhoni in Tamil Nadu, and that lakhs of eligible women have gone missing from voter lists in Uttar Pradesh, which government authorities in the state have blithely dismissed as a PR stunt for Kiran Rao’s Laapataa Ladies.
Elsewhere, communism may have a resurgence in Kolkata after repeated power cuts make Kolkatans nostalgic about the days of the Left.
Wondering what else happened as you dialled CESC customer care more than your best friend? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
April 29
“I can’t stay up in court unless they play some good music over there,” complains Donald Trump TT archives
- Donald Trump has been fined by a US judge for repeatedly dozing off in court during his own trial. Special arrangements are in order to focus a camera exclusively on Trump during his subsequent court appearances to encourage him to stay awake.
- Shantanu Deshpande, full-time podcaster and part-time CEO of Bombay Shaving Company, apologises for any offence caused to Uttar Pradesh board topper Prachi Nigam (whose facial hair has interested Indians more than her intellect) as part of his company’s latest ad involving the teenager. As a gesture of goodwill, Bombay Shaving Company has sent a bag of goodies to Nigam, which includes their best-selling shaving kit.
April 30
Kajol dismisses rumours of planting the controversy involving the waiter to start trending online TT archives
- Kajol, who has been accused of being rude to an autistic waiter at a Mumbai restaurant, defends herself by saying that she got irritated because she thought the waiter was doing a “never-ending impression of Shah Rukh [Khan] from My Name is Khan”.
- Imran Khan’s social media team gets an “urgent summons” from the US Pentagon officials minutes after releasing a post about the actor’s comeback, which says: “Imran Khan to return with a bang that will blow India away”. Pakistan’s Inter-Service Intelligence (ISI) steps in to clear the confusion, but not before sending a detailed report to the Pentagon gushing about the only film of Khan’s they enjoyed, called Kidnap.
May 1
In India, Opposition parties have asked whether death certificates of those succumbing to side effects of the AstraZeneca vaccine will bear the photo of the Prime Minister TT archives
- Causing widespread consternation across the globe, AstraZeneca admits that its Covid-19 vaccine does not provide “immunity against conspiracy theories”.
- On International Labour Day, a survey by Getting Worked Up finds the five things (in no particular order) that take up the most time for white-collar employees at work — decoding exactly what their managers mean by “GET THIS DONE”, finding the perfect email sign-offs, keeping track of which relative to kill for HR purposes, wishing executives at their dream companies on their work anniversaries, and improvising a calendar to run into their office crush(es) in the elevator.
May 2
Dream11 has announced that Shivam Dube’s role at the World Cup will be that of a floater on Instagram TT archives
- Indian selectors have clarified that Shivam Dube was picked (ahead of the likes of Rinku Singh) in India’s squad for the upcoming ICC Men’s T20 World Cup because the team sponsors are confident that Dube is far better at facing the camera than short-pitch bowling.
- With Arne Slot the favourite to become the next Liverpool manager, joining the likes of Pep Guardiola and Erik ten Hag in England, Head and Shoulders withdraws its sponsorship proposal for the Premier League.
May 3
Mark Zuckerberg has apparently told his close friends that he regrets designing his Metaverse avatar as it can emote better than him TT Archives
- Priscilla Chan, philanthropist, former doctor, and wife of Mark Zukcerberg, has started having all her meals with her husband’s avatar in the Metaverse, since only the artificial Zuckerberg can grow a real beard.
- On World Press Freedom Day, the UN releases a report showing more than 80 per cent of journalists around the planet actually want to be novelists or influencers.