Disclaimer: All names, characters and incidents mentioned in this column, however believable, are entirely satirical. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, organisations and products is intended or should be inferred
Now that India is once again a flourishing democracy (on paper), it is time to look at who performs the most important roles for the country. As has been the case since the 1960s, our biggest neighbour’s reluctance to invade remains our biggest guarantee of security. Like in 2014 and 2019, a team of unnamed statisticians has been entrusted with taking the Indian economy to greater heights. Whereas Shah Rukh Khan and Virat Kohli continue to be in charge of maintaining India’s foreign relations, the search for the next minister of propaganda continues, with Smita Prakash, Sudhir Chaudhary and Rahul Kanwal deemed unfit for the role based on their performances since June 4.
Meanwhile, world leaders assembled at the G7 summit in Italy are shocked to find out that Giorgia Meloni’s entire calendar for one-on-one sessions during the three-day event has been “booked in advance” by India. With nothing better to do, visiting delegations from G7 member nations pass their time studying neo-fascist art and placing bets on which of their countries’ governments will be the next to fall.
Elsewhere, Volodymyr Zelensky backs out of the Ukraine Peace Summit in Switzerland on being informed by his team that the venue for the meeting does not offer clear views of the Swiss Alps.
Wondering what else happened as you momentarily mistook the fire on Park Street for the latest hookah bar? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
June 10
“At least there was a clear verdict in this court,” jokes Carlos Alcaraz, after beating Alexander Zverev in the French Open final TT archives
- Carlos Alcaraz, who now has more Grand Slams than speeding tickets to his name, says he was never in doubt of winning the French Open final against Alexander Zverev because “I knew from recent evidence that he doesn’t have what it takes to settle things inside the court”.
- As Pakistan’s batters show off their Test match credentials at the ongoing ICC Men’s T20 World Cup, the Board of Chaos for Cricket in Pakistan (BCCP) consults with the Pakistan government to relax citizenship criteria for individuals in search of a new career path after playing junior-level cricket for India.
June 11
To further underline his commitment to French values, Emmanuel Macron instructs all polling booths for the upcoming elections to be set up inside fashion galleries TT archives
- Following the European Union (EU) election results, which largely prove that Europeans accept feminism only when it comes tinged with fascism, Emmanuel Macron explains his decision to call for snap elections in France: “I’m confident that my party, which has worked tirelessly to protect and promote France’s designer labels, will prevail against a woman (Marine Le Pen) who loves cats more than couture.”
- Hunter Biden becomes the overnight favourite to replace his father as the Democratic Presidential candidate after being found guilty of gun crimes by a Delaware court.
June 12
According to a preliminary estimate, Yogendra Yadav does not expect any NEET candidate to get more than 400 TT archives
- As the controversy around NEET results keeps mounting, the Opposition calls for the establishment of a special committee chaired by Yogendra Yadav to impartially assess how much each candidate should have got.
- On the day Bengali husbands are reminded that cooking skills are not hereditary, also known as Jamai Sashthi, a survey conducted across West Bengal illustrates the five things a sasuri (mother-in-law) desires most in her jamai (son-in-law) — a visible hairline, an infinite appetite for mishti, a widowed father, excellent chauffeur skills and a salary that is higher (but not significantly higher) than her daughter’s.
June 13
The CISF constable who slapped Kangana Ranuat has incensed the actress further by saying: “I wish I had six fingers so that the slap would’ve hit you harder.” TT archives
- Kangana Ranaut reacts to being slapped by a CISF constable by appearing on Hindi and English lamestream media and breathlessly reading out a list of all the Indian freedom fighters who had been assaulted by a person in uniform.
- Deepika Padukone reveals that the plot for Kalki 2898 AD (where AD stands for “Absolute Destruction”) is so intricate, with so many layered narratives, that each member of the lead cast was given a separate script for the film.
June 14
“I’m more comfortable doing the hopelessly seductive version of the blank stare as Thomas Shelby than the hopelessly scary version of it as J. Robert Oppenheimer,” admits Cillian Murphy TT archives
- Cillian Murphy announces the return of Peaky Blinders out of frustration at being anointed as the “nicest man on the planet” by 126 different entertainment magazines.
- With extensive research in the UK discovering lethal concentrations of asbestos in make-up products used in more than 100 countries, the Union of Progressive Females for Instagram (UPFI) declares: “The patriarchal bastion of medical science will not get to decide what women put on their faces. A slight chance of cancer cannot be more toxic than submitting to the male ego.”