No non-vegetartian food items can be sold in the heart of Bharat, also known as Uttar Pradesh, unless sellers can provide certificates proving that the items had been consumed in the past by one or more deities of Hinduism. This is being done to ensure that people can choose to only consume food that is as unadulterated as the lies fed to them.
Meanwhile, the Israeli government and Hamas agree to a temporary ceasefire after their solitary mutual interest, Taylor Swift, confirms concerts for Gaza and the West Bank as part of her Save the World tour. Swift, though, will not be collecting any proceeds from the events, which will be distributed between the Israeli government and Hamas in proportion to their presence on the search history of UN officials. While Hamas is expected to use the funds to recruit fresh units of US influencers, Israel plans to deploy the money to improve its tracking of Palestinian children.
Elsewhere, to mark Thanksgiving, Joe Biden sends Volodymyr Zelensky “the world’s largest turkey” stuffed with weapons. In response, Vladimir Putin asks Xi Jinping for a present of his own, to which the Chinese leader says that “we don’t believe in sending thanks or animals”.
Wondering what else happened as you thanked all those who played a part in your character development by friendzoning you? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
November 20
Sam Altman will work for Microsoft until ChatGPT’s updated algorithms advise OpenAI to rehire him TT archives
- OpenAI, committed to taking artificial intelligence and natural stupidity to the next level, fires Sam Altman, its talismanic CEO, based on ChatGPT’s recommendation of removing the most overpaid individual at the company.
- Javier Milei, infamous for being Argentina’s Donald Trump with a plan, vows to do the following after becoming the new Argentine president: “Stop borrowing from the IMF and start borrowing from China, kill the Argentine peso before democracy, and ensure that Lionel Messi never retires from the national team.”
November 21
“I’m going to recommend the ICC to start calculating cricket scores the way we calculate GDP to ensure a fair outcome for India every time,” says Nirmala Sitharaman TT archives
- Nirmala Sitharaman announces that “any contraction that takes place in the Indian economy over the next quarter should be attributed solely to the Australian men’s cricket team”.
- Mohammed Siraj has been told by the BCCI that he will no longer play for India after he failed to show up when needed most — during the prime motivator’s visit to the Indian dressing room to deliver the greatest consolation speech known to camera.
November 22
“I’ll splurge it all on my lawyers,” says Vir Das when asked about what he plans to do with his prize money from the International Emmys TT archives
- Vir Das, India’s leading political commentator with a good sense of humour, receives an International Emmy award for “managing to spend just the right amount of time in India every year to avoid getting arrested”. Ektaa Kapoor, India’s leading social commentator with a bad sense of humour, also bags an Emmy for her “outstanding contributions in teaching Indians about body language in slow motion”.
- At the latest edition of the Bengal Global Business Summit, 98 of India’s leading entrepreneurs come together to guarantee an investment of more than Rs 1,00,000 crore towards building more state-of-the-art infrastructure in Gujarat.
November 23
“If the BJP wins outright in Madhya Pradesh, we can spend our contingency budget on creating better hoardings instead,” believes Amit Shah TT archives
- Ahead of the results of the Assembly elections in Madhya Pradesh, Amit Shah promises to make at least 500 more promises to the citizens of the state should the BJP remain in power. In case the BJP loses, Shah privately resolves to update his promises to Opposition MLAs.
- According to a report in the Washington Post, Netflix and Amazon Prime have mothballed multiple Indian films and documentaries, since “they don’t align at all with the viewership patterns of the IT cell”.
November 24
Elizabeth Debicki admits to being flattered after finding out that Prince William and Prince Harry have seen more of her as Diana than they did of their actual mother TT archives
- In spite of viewer ratings for the show plummeting faster than approval ratings for King Charles, Elizabeth Debicki’s Diana remains extremely popular in The Frown (renamed after the most common expression among its characters this season). Talking about her preparation for the role, Debicki describes how “I stopped eating properly for months on end and practised crying four times a day alongside completing my PhD in British tabloid culture”.
- Shakira reaches a settlement with Spanish authorities regarding her tax fraud case after agreeing to pose for a selfie with every single member of the Spanish tax agency.