As tensions between countries with the world’s most photogenic Prime Ministers escalate, Canada has accused India of additional crimes by alleging that Indians are stealing Canada’s greatest assets — maple syrup, craft beer and its sense of international victimhood. India, for its part, is willing to compensate should any of its nationals be found guilty by providing Justin Trudeau lifetime access to Sabyasachi or Manish Malhotra. Furthermore, with India insisting that Khalistani is just another word for “terrorist”, the US steps in to define a terrorist as someone “who has the audacity to resort to violence in a heated geopolitical situation before the Pentagon does”.
Meanwhile, the BJP has sanctioned its MP who mistook the new Parliament for his party office before unleashing a torrent of communal abuse. He has been warned that the next time he delivers such vitriol, he must alert his colleagues beforehand so that they can start trending the hashtags for his choicest words while doing their best to not laugh on camera. His colleagues have also been asked to attend monthly masterclasses (delivered on a rotational basis by Sudhir Chaudhary, Arnab Goswami and Vivek Agnihotri) to better understand how to label minorities for traction.
Elsewhere, reports by think tanks endorsed by influencers endorsed by the government find that India has the highest levels of freedom of (hate) speech among any country still pretending to call itself a democracy. Interestingly, the incidence of free (hate) speech is highest in pockets where India becomes Bharat.
Wondering what else happened as you calculated whether your friends or your parents have spoken about hating you more? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
September 25
“At least I didn’t lie about not being a predator,” says Hasan Minhaj in a bid to defend himself against charges brought by the US moral police TT archives
- Hasan Minhaj, no connection to Nicki Minaj (barring the alter egos), is cancelled by US audiences after admitting to lying as a comic, since dishonesty (or “emotional truths”) in the American public domain is only permissible in politics.
- Bored of campaigning through speeches alone, Donald Trump fires a few bullets (at mannequins, one of whom he calls Mike Pence) while shopping for guns in South Carolina, which resonate (quite literally) with US voters more than anything Joe Biden can ever say.
September 26
“My hips don’t lie and nor do my tax filings. The only kind of cheating in my life concerns Gerard Pique” is Shakira’s response to tax evasion allegations TT archives
- Shakira has been accused of tax fraud by Spanish authorities for under-reporting her fame, just like Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo. The Colombian singer will avoid a jail term if she delivers an exclusive concert for the tax department.
- A slew of updates to ChatGPT means that it can, among other things, offer digital therapy. Some of the most therapeutic advice (inspired by literary geniuses) it has served up so far includes — the truth is rarely simple and never true; it is better to have loved and been blocked than not to have loved at all; not all those who wander on Slack are fired; never buy tomorrow what you can buy today; all the world’s an algorithm, and all the men and women merely products.
September 27
Reliance’s new arrangement means that the next generation of Ambanis cannot buy their own Antilia and have to be content with the original’s 2590 rooms TT archives
- The three assets-cum-liabilties (read children) of Mukesh and Nita Ambani will not draw any salary for attending Reliance board meetings, as the trio have decided to put their dreams of becoming trillionaires on hold.
- A survey by Compassionate Capitalism Inc. reveals the five biggest reasons white-collar workers quit their jobs across the world — an unhealthy attachment with the office coffee machine, a crush on a client who shows up every two years, the hope of humanity from HR, the trauma of writing cover letters, and the irresistible urge to acquire C-suite gossip to leverage appraisals (which never works).
September 28
A furious Babar Azam says: “I won’t be leaving India even after the World Cup ends… until the authorities make up for inconveniencing my team by giving me an IPL contract.” TT archives
- Kept waiting for their visas so that they cannot woo too many Indian women, the Pakistan men’s cricket team finally get their clearance to travel to India for the BCCI’s biggest marketing drive (after the IPL), also known as the Cricket World Cup. The Pakistan contingent, however, are bemused to find that their visas expire one day before the World Cup semi-finals begin.
- Suffering from assistance fatigue, the UN releases a poll on X (previously known as a saner place) to ask users whether it should divert its emergency funds towards managing the floods in Libya or the earthquake in Morocco. The official handle of the Ukrainiain government responds by saying that they need the funds more.
September 29
Given the sob stories coming out of Mumbai, charities across India’s financial capital plan on hosting a pity party every weekend TT archives
- Humans of Bombay profiles its own members as part of a series of heartwrenching stories on how it feels to no longer be the only quasi-journalistic copycat in Mumbai.
- In what seems like the latest financial fantasy in India, the record tax notice issued to Dream11, which its founders have described as “less realistic than winning money on our app”, suddenly disappears after the company renegotiates its sponsorship contract with the Indian cricket team.