The week that should have been

Russia and Ukraine have now been at war for more than 500 days, which is half the length of time since Vladimir Putin’s first and last therapy session. As Russia’s real-time rewriting of history ticks on, the front pages of newspapers are increasingly exhausted, with their reservoirs of exaggerated adjectives depleting by the day. At this rate, Ukraine seems set to lose the support of vital allies such as the New York Times and the Guardian, both of whom have recently flirted with dead billionaires in deep seas over dead soldiers in dry lands.

Meanwhile, the biggest information war in Europe since Princess Diana took on the British tabloids has provided crucial lessons to crucial actors. The EU has come to terms with how most of its hype is just gas, while the US has accepted the fact that Taiwanese semiconductors are more precious than Ukrainian lives. The UK now knows that a quarter of London belongs to Moscow whereas India has belatedly realised that S. Jaishankar has a voice.

Elsewhere, researchers at Following Modi Around (FMA) have revealed that even though open defecation is on the decline in India, “the stench of sh*t spikes suddenly whenever the Prime Minister visits towns or villages in rural India”.

Wondering what else happened while you dealt with your own stench of emotional diarrhoea? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.

July 10

• Diplomats on both sides of the Atlantic have a rough time providing explanations after Joe Biden speaks to the oldest male attendant at Buckingham Palace for over 40 minutes, having mistaken him for King Charles III.
• Following Turkey’s withdrawal of opposition, Sweden is all set to join the Northern Association of Turncoat Oligarchies (NATO), where its greatest contribution will be the introduction of Ikea furniture to all NATO events.

July 11

• Vladimir Putin and Yevgeny Prigozhin, both of whom are currently topping Donald Trump’s search history results for “men I want [to be]”, reconcile their differences through a two-hour-long staredown contest, with vodka playing arbiter.
• Ahead of Amazon Prime Day, the world’s most versatile company, whose services are as varied as its morals, offers customers “a golden opportunity” to make all its employees work 18-hour daily shifts without toilet breaks.

July 12

• Shah Rukh Khan, intent on embodying the still-developing soul of India as an action hero, releases the prevue of Jawan, which leaves Virginia Woolf-reading urban women swooning over how vulnerable SRK looks when kicking villains for fun.
• The home ministry has asked the West Bengal government for a detailed report on why and how the recent Panchayat elections in the state witnessed more voting than violence.

July 13

• Margot Robbie becomes colour blind after wearing every possible shade of pink during Barbie promotions.
• In the biggest blow to Arnab Goswami’s self-esteem since Akshay Kumar’s question about mangoes, Odisha TV introduces an AI anchor who can speak at 120dB for at least four hours, without being instigated by words such as “Lutyens”, “Rahul” or “Rajdeep” in its earpiece.

July 14

• Kate Middleton, who has attended more women’s singles finals at Wimbledon than any active player in the competition, has been asked to pose with this year’s winner of the Championships for a special photoshoot so that fans remember the reigning champion in time for next year.
• With India’s men’s cricket team touring the West Indies, the BCCI has informed whatever remains of the West Indian cricket board that any bowler who dismisses any of India’s top order batters more than twice in the series will not be eligible to participate in forthcoming IPL auctions.