Apple inaugurates a new era of being closer to technology than people by launching the Vision Pro, a device so futuristic that it lets one optimise augmented and virtual reality to experience bankruptcy. With a range of features so advanced that only chatbots can understand them, the Vision Pro is a gamechanger for all those who have too much money and too few friends, asserts Tim Cook.
Meanwhile, Indian techies are working on their own rip-off of Vision Pro, which will allow their compatriots to have a night out without leaving their parents’ couch, attend weddings without meeting relatives, vacation in Europe without taking a loan and enjoy vikas without voting.
Elsewhere, the bank manager in Kolkata, who was suspended for abusing his colleagues in a viral video, has received TV show offers from Ashneer Grover and Gordon Ramsay.
Wondering what else happened while you recollected all the times you verbally abused your imaginary partner? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
June 5
Andrew Tate claims that none of his offensive remarks can be held against him in court since he regards himself to be a sit-down comedian TT archives
- In an exclusive interview to BBC, Andrew Tate, who believes that men should have as many abs as brain cells, argues that “I’m not a misogynist because I only hate women who don’t agree with me”.
- On the occasion of International False Pretences Day, also known as World Environment Day, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) releases a report confirming that the biggest factor determining the Earth’s temperature over the next decades will be Twitter hashtags.
June 6
Rahul Gandhi is convinced that upon returning to power, the Congress will produce NRIs at an unprecedented rate TT archives
- After calling dozens of freedom fighters NRIs and criticising the BJP’s distaste for NRIs, Rahul Gandhi, who identifies as an NRI himself, clarifies: “NRI stands for Nehru Respecting Indians.”
- Following a detailed investigation by the Congress’s social media team, it has been found that Kavach, a Made-in-India Automatic Train Protection System, was not built into the trains on the Balasore route, as the region does not have enough of the BJP’s target audience.
June 7
Japanese politicians have asked Kim Jong Un to cut down on his consumption of fake news for a healthier lifestyle TT archives
- North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, whose diet is the only thing he cannot dictate, shelves plans of destroying Japan with nuclear weapons after two meals of sushi a day help him reduce weight.
- As part of Pride Month celebrations, MNCs across the world have come up with a meticulous code of conduct for their employees. Some of the prominent guidelines include — not speaking during a work meeting if one identifies as cisgender or heterosexual or is content with gender identity or all three, watching drag shows during lunch, changing email signatures to incorporate the colours of the rainbow, and refusing to work with clients who have misgendered their colleagues until June 30.
June 8
Zlatan Ibrahimovic says that he never aspired to win the Ballon d’Or, since “I already have my golden balls” TT archives
- With more than two decades of great goals and greater roasts to his credit, Zlatan Ibrahimovic retires from football because “my age, fitness and mental state mean that football can no longer keep up with me”.
- Hundreds of male football fanatics split with their female partners after the finale of Ted Lasso since they cannot afford actual therapy.
June 9
Shakira dismisses rumours that Lewis Hamilton is faster in private than he is in public TT archives
- Shakira, who has been spending a lot of time looking at engines and tyres of late, has this to say about her potential partner and the richest driver on the planet, Lewis Hamilton: “I love the fact that Lewis has so much experience in going in and out of curves without losing his grip.”
- Taylor Swift breaks up with Matty Healy after her fan mails convince her that she was dating him.