With Indians paying as much attention to their protests as they have done to their non-Olympic performances, aggrieved wrestlers of the country have chosen to follow the Rahul Gandhi model of attention-seeking. As part of this, they will travel abroad to air their grievances, hoping the government will care enough about potential visa bans for its leaders to take notice. Hearing this, Gandhi himself has agreed to sponsor the wrestlers’ trips on the condition that they teach him how to take down a man with a 56-inch chest.
Meanwhile, on the matter of sportspersons Indians actually care about, a mega auction will soon be arranged in Ranchi allowing Mahendra Singh Dhoni fans to get into a bidding war for memorabilia relating to their hero from the latest IPL final. Among the most sought-after items to go under the hammer are the blades of grass on which Dhoni lifted Ravindra Jadeja, the fork Dhoni used to eat his fruits before going out to bat, and the confetti that remained stuck to Dhoni’s hair for a few minutes after he lifted the IPL trophy.
Elsewhere, NDTV releases a special documentary to mark nine years of the Narendra Modi government in power. The four-hour-long programme provides unprecedented insights into the Prime Minister’s tenure, from breaking down the PM’s daily yoga routine to unearthing the contents of his refrigerator (which mostly has food for his peacocks) to detailing his indispensable relationship with reflecting surfaces.
Wondering what else happened while you imagined someone making a documentary on your indispensable relationship with sleep? Here’s presenting the top stories from the week that should have been.
May 29
Workplace relationships in Indian unicorns have registered the highest-ever fall during the last two seasons of ‘Succession’ HBO
- Senior employees at Indian unicorns suddenly change their behaviour towards their most sycophantic colleagues after watching the Succession finale on loop.
- The Centre for Humanities Graduates Making Stuff Up (CHGMSU) has conducted a survey that reveals the most common WhatsApp emojis used by Indians. In first place is the creepy smiley emoji, which is sent mostly by Indian parents to their kids. Behind that is the high-five emoji, which is sent mostly by Indian parents to each other. Rounding off the top three is the eggplant emoji, which is sent mostly by Indian parents to grocers, some of whom end up blocking them.
May 30
Amit Shah has chastised BJP leaders in Manipur for letting violence break out in the state without their approval TT archives
- An all-powerful leader of the ruling party visits Manipur to talk to local female chiefs about the communal tensions in the state, but refuses an offer to have lunch with them, as his team is unable to arrange enough experienced camerapersons at short notice.
- Two days after the inauguration of the BJP’s largest party office (also known as India’s new Parliament), which involved Prime Minister Narendra Modi receiving a sacred sengol, the RSS has confirmed that the sceptre was first designed by Bharat, who had handed it over to Ram at the time of the latter’s return to Ayodhya. The RSS has also dismissed the previous theory that Lord Mountbatten had transferred the sengol to Jawaharlal Nehru at the time of Independence, since “the only thing Mountbatten passed onto Nehru was his wife”.
May 31
Tim Cook begrudgingly admits that more people would listen to Steve Jobs knowing he is dead than to Cook knowing he is alive TT archives
- Apple is all set to launch a Virtual Reality headset, whose inaugural version will let users experience Apple’s upcoming WWDC event as if Steve Jobs, not Tim Cook, was still running the show.
- Ola announces its Prime Plus feature wherein cab drivers will no longer do the following — speak unless spoken to, spit out gutka at every second traffic signal and adjust their rearview mirror whenever a couple mistakes the backseat for their bedroom.
June 1
Randeep Hooda says that the British were afraid of V.D. Savarkar because “he was way better than them at apologising” TT archives
- Randeep Hooda, whose directorial debut will see him play V.D. Savarkar, says that his biggest challenge in preparing for the role was “to decide which historian to believe”, which is why he chose to “rewrite history instead of interpreting it”.
- Mauricio Pochettino has been hired by Chelsea as their new manager because, according to the club owner and football’s most confused billionaire, Todd Boehly, “Pochettino’s experience at Paris Saint-Germain has equipped him to work in a world-class setup where he could be sacked anyday.”
June 2
Meghan Markle denies speculation that she and Prince Harry had fights over who was the bigger victim in their marriage TT archives
- Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are set to get a divorce so that they can meet the requisite page count for their next memoirs.
- London-based Turkish writer Elif Shafak breaks down on Twitter after the re-election of Recep Tayyip Erdogan back in her home country, since it forces her to choose between five different publishers for a book that explains Erdogan’s true tyranny to Western readers.