Dear women,
Some men are innately ignorant, some men achieve ignorance and some men have ignorance thrust upon them. As a 25-year-old man, born and raised in India, I have felt a part of all three groups at some point. In doing so, I have realised that the Indian man’s ignorance is actually a privilege, not a predicament. A privilege that involves exercising the right to not know.
The right to not know the sinking feeling of waking up to the sight of your own blood. The right to not know the trepidation of having lecherous eyes scan your every move. The right to not know the frustration of seeing your parents question the length of your clothes. The right to not know the self-induced guilt when you are out and having fun and your watch strikes 10pm. The right to not know, as the New Yorker once put it, the despair of having your expertise interrupted by another’s confidence.
As men, young or old, rich or underprivileged, successful or struggling, we remain largely ignorant of the existential challenges of womanhood. Nothing from our family to the school to society incentivises us to find out about the true nature of a woman’s life — the repeated bouts of pain that underpin your personal stories, be it the physical pain of menstruation, the psychological pain of patriarchy or the emotional pain of not being understood. When men find out things about women, as I have over the years, it is usually by accident.
I remained under the impression that a tampon and a dildo were the same thing
I remember the first time I saw a dildo. On the internet. I was already into my late teens by then. A male friend of mine casually called it a tampon and walked away. I knew what a dildo was (so-called locker room talk teaches men some things) and just assumed it was also called a tampon. And so I moved on with my life and my Google Search queries. For the best part of four years, I remained under the impression that a tampon and a dildo were the same thing. It took a stand-up performance (by a female comedian) to clear my confusion.
I remember my first year in college when a female friend would keep telling me she had stomach aches. After hearing about this for months, I asked her: “If it keeps happening every month, why don’t you get it checked? Is there something wrong with your eating habits?”. That is when she told me, somewhat reluctantly, about how body aches, headaches and cramps are an inevitable part of “getting your period”. No biology book I had read in class had ever mentioned this to me. I knew what menstruation was, but had no idea of how it felt (technically, I never will). The thought of having to deal with acute pain for several days a month left me unnerved. Even today, I cannot imagine how women endure it.
I remember the day back in senior school when I saw a male friend visibly shaking in front of a girl who had come to visit for an event. I had recently moved to an all-boys’ school after a decade in a co-ed institution (should all schools and colleges not be co-ed in the 21st century?). My male friend, otherwise a smart, well-behaved and presentable guy, was in a shambles over what to do with his body in front of a female stranger of his age. When it came to speaking, he could barely muster a hello. Although, on coming back to class, amidst the “safe space” of other male students, he could not stop talking about her.
A refusal to understand women masquerades as relentlessness to impress them
Most women think more deeply about their interpersonal relationships than their male counterparts Unsplash
I bring up these experiences to highlight the ignorance men (yes, almost all men) in India grow up with, not just in terms of how women live their lives but also in terms of how men interact with them. Thanks to the hypersexualisation of women in popular culture, most of male adolescence involves a binary conception of women as either maternal figures or objects of lust (some, perversely, manage to combine the two). Then, once a man reaches adulthood and comes into real proximity with women (through both professional and personal spheres), it takes him an awfully long time to appreciate women’s emotional existence, let alone their emotional intelligence. Most women (strongly validated from my experience) think more deeply about their interpersonal relationships than their male counterparts. This involves greater introspection leading to more self-doubt. (No wonder men are the cocksure sex). Naturally, women become more conscious and cautious in how they engage with the other sex, be it a friend, a boss, a teammate or a potential suitor.
However, we, as men, egged on by things like Bollywood (and its steadily evolving brand of misogyny) confuse a woman’s emotional depth for an air of mystery, even an enigma. A refusal to understand women masquerades as relentlessness to impress them. In the end, things frequently turn sour, or worse still, hostile, with the emotional gulf between a man and a woman wider than ever before.
Men are often as lost as women in a man’s world
Most men are soldiering on under the burden of responsibilities they never asked for TT Archives
At this stage, you might be wondering what is the point of all this? What is my open letter, midway between an apology and an apologia, supposed to achieve?
The point is three-fold. First, on behalf of men, I want to clear the air. I want to tell women that we have not been good enough. Even while advocating for equality and sporting feminist slogans, most of us men do not really know what being a woman entails. But this is not because we do not care about women (most men are decent human beings, after all), but because we do not know how to show that care in ways that are constructive without being creepy (or cringey) and supportive without being patronising. Can we learn and improve? Of course. Should women help us? Please.
Second, as men, we have our challenges, too. Ones based purely on our sex and gender. While most women are locked in a battle to secure rights not given to them, most men are soldiering on under the burden of responsibilities we never asked for. Be it expectations of winning bread and stealing hearts (whatever that means) or holding back our tears and fears, men are often as lost as women in a man’s world.
Third, and I mean this especially for my peers, life is not easy. As compared to most of our parents, even grandparents, our lives are more precarious, ridden with more anxiety and debt. Many of our closest relationships have been or will become toxic. The planet already is. In such times, we urgently require more empathy, kindness and understanding among different sexes and genders. For that, we need women to be more blunt about their expectations from men, to gradually chip away at the male ego that society is structured to enhance. Please do not assume that men know what women want, let alone what women need. Men, for their part, have to be more honest about their vulnerabilities, instead of vicariously tending to their traumas through mushy playlists and mushier sports teams.
Many of the most valuable lessons I have learnt in my life have come from women
International Women’s Day was first observed in 1910 before being celebrated officially by the UN since 1975 Unsplash
Lastly, I want to take this opportunity to thank all those women who have been a part of my life so far, whether as family, friends, teachers or colleagues. For reasons I can understand as well as factors I cannot, I have found women to be more compassionate, less pretentious and far better at doing the one thing that most men never learn — listening. I am grateful to the women who have listened to my stories, my dreams and my insecurities (and also my atrocious puns).
Many of the most valuable lessons I have learnt in my life have come from women. Women who have taught me the difference between scolding and correcting, showed me the power of letting go, challenged my deep-seated biases, soothed even deeper concerns, and instinctively known when to let me rant and when to shut me up. They have seen in me a son, a student, a co-worker, a best friend and a lover who can and must strive for better. Thank you to all of you for being yourselves and for shaping who I am.
Happy International Women’s Day to all you women out there. Where would the world (and men like myself) be without you!
Yours truly,
An ignorant Indian man.