Competing only to win and the inability to accept defeat are on the rise among children, said teachers and counsellors.
Children get conditioned that if they are participating in something, they have to win. When they don’t, they cannot accept defeat, counsellors said.
If parents always encourage their children to win or glorify their kids’ achievements, it can have a negative impact in the long run, said teachers.
“The sense of unhealthy competition and the ‘have to win’ feeling is starting earlier and earlier. We notice this among children in pre-primary classes as well,” said Amita Prasad, director, Indus Valley World School.
Such competition is not only in academics or on the sports field but also in extracurricular activities like recitation, or even in simple things like games at a birthday party.
“Earlier, we would see this realisation of competition among children in middle school but now it is there right from nursery,” said Pratima Nayar, principal, junior school, Calcutta International School.
“There is so much focus on coming first or attaining a rank that the journey of the experience is no longer important,” she said.
Teachers said children often pick this up from their parents or from the home environment.
“Success is measured by attaining a position. Sometimes they become so competitive that when they lose, we see children in primary classes crying or saying that they have let themselves down or how their parents would be upset,” said Nayar.
Suman Sood, director of BD Memorial Junior School and national core committee member of Early Childhood Association, a forum of preschools, said this tendency starts from an early age because adults condition their children.
“When a child comes second or third in something there is a tendency among a section of parents to say they should try for the first position next time,” said Sood.
Teachers said there are instances of unhealthy competition when students are being selected for inter-school events or for activities in the school.
“While parents sometimes push their children to do well and perform, sometimes the general atmosphere everywhere, whether in sports, academics or in a simple art exhibition, creates a sense of competition among children. There is a reward associated with everything they do and this leads to competition,” said psychotherapist Farishta Dastur Mukerji.
“The child gets conditioned that if they are participating, they have to win. Activities, instead of being reward-oriented, should foster collaboration and healthy relationships,” said Dastur Mukerji.
Prasad said celebration when a child does well should be in moderation, just as disappointment should not be shown to the child.
“If adults make too much of a success or express their disappointment if a child has not done well, it puts pressure on the child. Many children want to do well because it will please their parents,” said Prasad.
Adults should teach their children to accept defeat and that others can be better than them, said teachers.
“One cannot win at everything. They burn out and this becomes unacceptable to them,” said Nayar.
Dastur Mukerji said being unable to accept defeat can lead to low self esteem, lack of confidence or self-harm tendencies in extreme cases.
